Not All Roses (Discontinued)

Chapter 1

"Your baby girl is here!"

I smile at the sight of my daughter as they let me hold her. At that moment, I felt a deep love that I never felt before. It was a mother daughter type love I had been yearning for years. I finally had it and it felt amazing.

"What will her name be?"

"Kamryn Lianne Matthews."

They write her name and weight down as I continue to admire her.

"Alright Kamaria, we are going to go clean her up but she will be back in here with you shortly."

"Thank you so much." They take her from my arms as I smile tiredly. My husband holds me close while smiling at me.

"She is beautiful baby. She looks just like you."

"Terrell she looks like you to. Those eyes looked just like your Chinese little eyes."

We both chuckle as I lay my head in his chest.

"I'm just so happy we finally have our baby after so many attempts." I hold and play with his hand cheerfully as I think about the memories and fun we are going to have raising our babygirl.

"She is really our miracle baby, but I think you need to get some sleep, you've had a long labor."

"You're right, but I want to see her when she comes back."

"I'll stay in here, you just go on and get some sleep."

"Okay, goodnight love."

The Next Morning

I open my eyes slightly, smiling ready to see Kamryn. I look over at Kamryn's crib and notice she wasn't there. I widen my eyes and look over at Terrell with our doctor next to him.

"Where is Kamryn?"

"Ms. Matthews, we have some very unfortunate news."

"What is it? Is she sick?"

"No...Kamryn suffered from birth asphyxia. We did all we can to bring her back but we couldn't and she passed this morning. You have our deepest condolences."

My heart dropped. I went cold and numb listening. This is not real. She was just here with me a few hours ago. I shake my head and sit up in the hospital bed.

"Terrell, where is she?"

My husband approaches me with red eyes as I start to look confused.

"Baby he's telling the truth..."

These past 9 months were great, thinking I would finally be able to have my own daughter. Things like setting up her room, buying her clothes, and baby showers really gave me joy and confidence to be a mother. Now it's all gone...I try to hold back these emotions until I start to ball my eyes out just thinking of her being gone. Terrell pulls me into his arms trying to ease my pain but it wasn't working...am I really destined to not have children?

1 year later
"Babe, can you please come out for one second."

I let out a sigh and look back out the window. "Terrell can you please just leave me alone."

"I'm just going to need you to come out so we can talk."

I open the door and look at him. What in the hell does he possibly want...

"Kamaria you've been in here all day..."

I shake my head in disbelief. Did he really forget?

"It's been a year Terrell...I just want to spend some time in her room."

"I know baby but it's time to try to move on from it and keep trying for another."

Why does he keep talking? It's just making the situation worse and making me feel more bad...

"I had 5 miscarriages Terrell and after what happened to Kamryn-" I felt the tears coming as I said her name and tried to regain composure. "There's just no point of me trying again."

"You have to stop thinking like that."

"Terrell, I can't..my daughter died for God's sake!"

"She was OUR daughter. Ever since all this happened, it's been about you, you, you! You never thought about the impact it had on me did you?"

"Terrell you don't have any idea of what I was going through."

"I don't have any idea? I was suffering just like you were! All I want is a wife who can actually give me a family instead of sitting up crying all the damn time!"

With the statement he made, I felt my eyes start to swell even more with frustration.

"W-why would you say that...when you know that I'm infertile..."

His facial expression changes quickly realizing what he said. The damage was already done.

"Wait no no, I didn't mean it like that."

"You did... and you know damn well we would have had a family by now but I can't help that I have PCOS!"

"Kamaria lets ta-"

"No! Get the fuck out of my house and don't come back since you feel that way about me...I'm useless to you so leave then Terrell! Pack all you shit and go!!!"

My anger soon started to take over my sadness as I threw a lamp aiming it as his head.

He quickly ducks and looks at me erratically. I try to breathe in and out to calm myself.

I sigh and cover my face. "I don't know what to do with life anymore Terrell...I have no purpose..."

"Kamaria, we're going to work this out..." He tries to approach me but I swiftly move away from him.

I cross my arms and quietly mumble, "Its not going to work out...we've tried and tried to fix this but nothing is working. You deserve someone better...someone who will actually give you a family..."

I slide the ring Terrell gave me 3 years ago off of my finger. I place it in the palm of his hand and go back to sitting next to Kamryn's crib.

He sighs and goes to our room to pack his things. Terrell looks over at me one last time as he stands in the hallway, but I turn towards the window to avoid looking at him;crying silently as I think about what I just did. Ever since Kamryn passed, our relationship has been diminishing. After today, it has officially hit rock bottom.