The Commander and The Girl

Chapter 38

When we make it back to the marketplace it's buzzing with energy and my mood lightens immediately. There's stands set up with colorful tapestries and cloths and others filled with potteries and food. My heart quickens as we pass the kind ladies shop. Last time I was here I got kidnapped. I bite my lip and walk past focusing on the mood surrounding the place. Octavia squeezes my arm before stepping in front of me, walking to a small stand.
There's a man with his back turned and an array of different bottles and liquids from all shades of colors. Octavia gingerly taps on the mans shoulder who shudders as he turns around. Nyko looks to Octavia with a bright smile as he embraces her.
"Octavia, it seems the Capitol has done you well." He laughs patting her shoulder.

"Clarke." He smiles. I step in and hug him, thankful for a friendly face.

"Nyko why are you here? Shouldn't you be back at the village?" I ask him focusing on the bottles he has in a pouch.

"I've come back to retrieve more medicines. Not all can be obtained from Trikru, most I have to trade for." He says jovially flicking a hammered piece of gold in the air. Octavia catches it deftly admiring the engravings.

"That's what you trade with?" I ask looking at the coin.

"Not always, but for most valuables like this yes." He replies holding his free hand out for the coin. Octavia places it in his hand before looking around the marketplace.

"Why's it so crowded?" She asks. I look around and realize there does seem to be more people.

"The Fleimkepa's Ceremony begins at midnight tomorrow." He places two of his coins on the counter of the stand. Guess Lexa really isn't telling me a lot.

"Why don't you stay for the Ceremony? That is if there's no one in need of your assistance." I say trying to be friendly.

"I'm not sure I'd be welcome in such a religious ceremony." He's trying to avoid something in the tower.

"Please, you can be my guest." I offer letting a small smile pull at my lips. After a small pause he nods and gathers all his items in his bag.
Octavia takes the lead as Nyko and I follow her back as we make our way through the winding of stairs.
The first servant I see I pull to the side trying to look kind.
"Could you arrange for a room next to mine please?" I say softly. She nods forcibly.

"Yes, Wanheda." She swiftly moves from my side and heads down to the lower floor, leaving me sulking in my name. Nyko comes behind me and places a hand on my shoulder.

"It'll wear off eventually." He ensures uneasily.

"No it won't." I state. I won't even try to lie to myself. I earned the name, and it will forever follow me. I move past leaving Nyko and Octavia in the hallway and head to the only problem I can actually solve.
I open the doors to Lexa's room and see it looks rough, used, worn out. There's small cuts next to her armoire doors presumably from a blade, and some of her furs are matted with use. There's a small table with two chairs, holding several plates stacked on top of one another. I walk over to her desk and see a book lying on top of it. I open it up and see dates documented in writings going all the way back to 2040. I rummage through the book loosely before starting back at the beginning.

5-16-2040
Today is the day I will finally become Heda. My conclave will begin at dawn and I'm not sure if I will make it. I know I can easily kill all 6 of the younger years, but it's the year 12's that I'm worried about. Luna is agile and can trace my thoughts to my movements yet Gavin is bulky and will charge the moment I allow weakness to gleam through.  I'm scared. I know Titus promises me the Commander will guide me, but how can I be so sure. Luna is the most soft of us all, yet the deadliest. If she becomes Heda she may finally be able to bring peace in this time of war. I know I shouldn't let these thoughts cloud my mind before my fight, yet I still can't stop thinking about it. If this may be my end, I want to say I tried my best to allow Luna to succeed. If I can't take the flame, she should.
The paragraph ends there. I blink taking in a shaky breathe. She must've been only 12, forced to kill just to live. And yet she still thought she didn't deserve it. Luna must've ran as she's still alive, that must be why she hasn't returned. If she stayed at the Conclave she may have actually won. She may have killed Lexa. I clench my teeth trying to calm my mind. She's alive, she didn't die. There's no what ifs in this category. I skip through the pages until I find one coincidently on the annual celebration of my birthday.
02-11-2046 She was eighteen.
She actually did it. Costia has been missing for two days before a lock of her hair was sent. My heart broke the moment I touched the oil black braid. Her hair was stained with her own blood, it browned at the tips. I haven't left the Capitol. I can't leave and let Azgeda overtake my rule. I'm letting them kill her. I may as well hold the blade to her throat myself. I can't allow myself to break down, yet I know it's happening. Titus warned me love is weakness. He warned me how she's a liability. I thought of his remarks as something to keep my focus on my people. I was wrong. Costia was everything good. She had a smile that lit up the night. Her skin, golden when in the light. Now my only comfort is her memory. I can't attack them as I will cause my inevitable death. I can't announce a battle as my people will believe I am weak, foolish. No one told me how hard it was to watch the one thing you can have die. I control so much yet own so little, and still I can't have that. My Coalition is in progress. The Commanders believe I have finally done something right. Watch the girl I love die. Soon I'll have to burn this book as well. The Commander that has no weakness. That's what I must be.

The page has water marks on it, getting larger the farther down the page. Lexa was crying when she wrote this. She had to let Costia die with no say. She tortured herself with the death of her last lover, and yet she still tortures me.

Heavy feet stomp outside the door as I quickly shut the book sliding my feet to stand. I wipe at my tears bringing my shallow breathes to a stop. The door is pushed open aggressively as Lexa storms in. She shuts the door behind her, letting her shoulders fall. She finally turns around, facing me, and freezes.
Her back tenses and she lets out a small breathe.

"Clarke you shouldn't be in here." She says exasperated. She crosses the room and takes off her jacket, lying it over her bed.

"I know." I say in a small voice.
I squirm in my own body, regretting I read her personal logs. She looks past me to her book and a look of worry smears her face. I bite my lip before confessing.

"I read it." Her face drops.
"Not a lot though, I was just looking for you and you weren't here, then I found this and wanted to see what it was." I ramble as a display of emotions paints her exterior.
I can tell that she wants to yell at me, but all that comes out of her mouth is;
"You should leave." She bellows.
I gulp and harden. I might as well get over what I came here for.

"No." I say sternly. Her face steaks as I refuse.

"Clarke." She starts.

"No. I'm not going to leave and just let whatever's between us stay between the lines. I can't just be with you when we share a small connection, and I can't just leave the Capitol every time we get into an argument." I counter.

"I can't deal with this right now Clarke." She turns her back to me, welcoming me to leave. I stand my ground.

"Lexa." Her body freezes.
"We have to find some sort of common ground. Please." My voice is soft as I try to plead with her. She turns back to me, hiding behind her Commander's mask, and stares through me. My heart breaks as my fears show true. She can't even talk to me about it. I guess our relationship is lost to her. My heart quickens as a single tear rolls down my face, but I won't let myself break down in front of her.

"Is this you implying you just don't want me?" I ask shuddering to keep my voice from breaking. She doesn't answer as her hand twitches. I know she's hiding from something, but I can't keep letting her get the benefit of the doubt. If she wants me to know she'll say it. If not I have no need to stay.

"This is your last chance." I state, imploring for her to say something. She's silent as I give up. I let my eyes give in to the tears as they streak my face. As I walk past her I hear her mutter, staring at the wall.

"I'll always lo-."
My breathe hitches and my heart stops.

"Too late." I whisper walking out the door.
I shut the door behind me and fall to the wall, crying softly.
Everything I touch turns to poison.