breathe// 5SOS

40

Before, a shower wouldn't have been my most vulnerable point- if I was allowed them. Before, stood undressed behind a curtain would've been a privilege. It was almost a relief that it was now, when I had privacy, that I felt most scared. There was never going to be anything like before, again.

It turned out dad had cooked us tea while I was showering, but I had stayed to think and let the water run down my back for a moment of peace. Then, it took my a while to change into pyjamas and do my hair, because suddenly I felt exhausted.

Viola had chosen a film called 'Wonder' for us to watch, so we all sat with out food on trays again. It was unlike dad to not make us sit at the table.

Dad wouldn't let me sit with Viola because he didn't want me to get sick, even though I didn't get sick or hurt as easily anymore. It made me realise how much I did miss her company, and that she must really care about me if I felt like that.

It was a really good film, and I liked it a lot; it was a good end to the day. By the time I got my phone, I wanted to sleep, so I got ready for bed and said goodnight.

"Try and have a lie in tomorrow," dad said, gently feeling my cheeks. I was really hot, and it had been cooler for a while so I wasn't used to the heat.

"Aren't we going out?"

"Yeah, but I think Viola will be well enough if she gets enough sleep, so we can all sleep in,"

I didn't think I could have a lie in, but it turned out I could. Mornings could either be really intense, or really peaceful, and it was nice to wake up at my own pace.

Another nice thing was that I could hear Viola and dad laughing, as well as a sweet smell drifting through the house.

I got up and went to the kitchen, seeing them both cooking pancakes. Viola looked a lot less sick, which I was glad about, because being sick was horrible. Dad also looked happier, and more at ease.

Human relationships were so complex, I thought, and the feeling of one could change the actions of several.

"Good morning poppet,"

"You're better," I mumbled, giving Viola a hug.

"The two of you looked after me so well,"

"I did?"

"Yeah,"

Dad served us up pancakes- with strawberries and banana- and we sat down. I was wary to eat the strawberries, but dad assured me he had bought them safely.

As I was getting ready to go out, the exhaustion really hit me. I got a rest tomorrow, then I saw Sam, then another break. This week had been challenging to cope with.

I didn't put makeup on because I'd rub it off, and it felt heavy on my face. My outfit was just a pair of mom jeans that Lauren picked out, and a striped top, paired with my trainers. Dad came and plaited my hair, although I could usually do it myself.

"I'm ready for bed again,"

"We've not even gone out yet,"

It confused me a little, because from my perspective, it didn't sound like he wanted to understand.

Sometimes it came back, and I felt cold. Lucy had worked with me a lot, and I was so thankful, but there would always be a little part of me that couldn't escape.

The slurs, or the hurt, or the fear. It mixed up in my head and I didn't understand if dad was being dad or like them. In the back of my mind, I knew he was dad, but it was hard to reach that when I remembered some really horrific things that I hadn't even told him. I thought perhaps... I could maybe tell Marcus. I'd never told anyone, but he was my brother, he could understand.