Diaries: Colors

Confessions (Part 1)

"Everytime you called I told you,
"Baby I'm working." (No!)
I was out doing my dirt (Oh!)
Wasn't thinkin' 'bout you gettin' hurt
(I) was hand in hand in the Beverly Center like man
Not givin' a damn who sees me
So gone (I know)
So wrong (just listen)
Acting like I didn't have you sittin' at home
Thinkin' about me
Bein' a good girl that you are..."

*Usher x Confessions (Part 1)*

April 24

Well, today's my birthday. I don't even want to be bothered with Jacob today. We may be married but I think today we need some time alone. I don't know whether to keep the kids here or take them with me. All I know is right now I'm going out for some fresh air. I do my daily hygiene & put on a cute green Adidas outfit & put my hair up. I check my watch. It's 5:19. I think I'll be back around 7:00ish. Yeah. I need that much time. I take my keys just in case I need to go somewhere. As I get ready to go, I go back to my kids room & kiss their foreheads then I go upstairs for the first time since yesterday, & kiss Jacob on his forehead as well. Then I go out for my 2 hour break of the day.

...........

I came back to find the twins on the couch watching tv & Jacob in the kitchen. Christian turns around & looks at me & says,

"Mommy's here, guys!"

The twins get behind the couch & Jacob gets something from the freezer. I look around confused. What are they doing? Jacob counts down from 3 & the twins pop out screaming 'SURPRISE!' Oh yeah. I forgot about that for a second. I put on an exaggerated surprised face & they giggle. Jacob smiles softly bringing out an ice cream cake that said 'Happy Birthday Maya'. Christian takes one hand & Tristian the other as they lead me to the kitchen.

"We were looking all over for you, Mommy! Where were you?" Tristian asked innocently.

"Mommy needed to clear her mind by exercising, dear."

"Clear it from what?"

"Things," I said vaguely.

"Things like what?" Christian said, his question popping up out of almost nowhere.

"Mommy things. You guys wouldn't know yet," I tried.

"Oh okay," said Tristian.

Jacob looked at me sadly & I ignored him. I honestly didn't want to hear anything. I'm too hurt still. When they got me around the table, they sang 'Happy Birthday' to me & told me to blow out my candles to make a wish. I blew them out wishing that somehow I'd find the way to get over this bump in our marriage. When I opened my eyes, I kissed both kids on the cheek & just looked at Jacob. Christian notices that & asked if Jacob could get a kiss, too. I mentally rolled my eyes & gave him a kiss on the cheek. He clapped & cheered happily. I cut the cake & we all sat in the dining room to eat. We watched the Pink Panther & had a good time together... Well, the kids & I did. When the movie was over, he told me to meet him upstairs. I sighed & told him okay. He looked relieved when I complied, almost like a burden was taken off his shoulders. I don't know why that happened because his excuse better be signed directly from God before he is forgiven. I put the tv back on regular television again & let the kids watch some cartoons as Jacob & I made our way up the stairs to our room. He told me to sit & I did.

"Maya, before you say anything, she came onto me & I didn't kiss back... That much," he said, mumbling the last part.

Why would he want to dig a deeper hole for himself & me. There he goes trying to make the problem smaller than what it really is & making me feel even worse. He's lost his way with words.

"I'm not going to argue with you, Jacob. I'm just going to tell you how I feel. Is that okay?" I asked, not caring about his response.

"Yeah, that's fine."

"When you came home late the first time & you told me that it was because of work, I want mad. I didn't pound you with questions, I didn't make your life the living hell ever since then. No. I just brushed it off because I know how that is. When you came back late the second time & gave the same excuse, I became suspicious. I smelled a woman's perfume but I didn't see any evidence that someone was on you in the wrong way so I brushed that off but in my heart, I knew that something was up. How? Because when you came home, you didn't act like yourself. You were more secretive about what you did & when you did it. It was almost like you didn't want me knowing much of anything. So when I had to squeeze this information out of you, it pissed me off so much. I felt so worthless, like I didn't matter. If she doesn't find out then we can still do this. I know that was your mindset & it makes me so sad. Do I not make you happy anymore?" I ranted, bursting into tears for the umpteenth time in the last 2 days.

"No, it's not that, babe. I just got caught up in a mistake. A really bad one & I apologize for everything. She or any other woman won't ever be a threat to you anymore."

"She wasn't a threat to me because you know I'll go off on anyone that messed with me or my kids--"

"What about me?"

"It's too late for that. Wait, no it's not. Guess what you're going to do tomorrow at work?"

"What?" he asked, confused.

"You're going to introduce me to Ashley. Got it?"

"But... Okay."

"Good."

"Am I forgiven... Babe?"

"I'm not sure yet. If you can show me that you're sincere then yes," I said, going back downstairs.

And shoutout to @iimicha!!! Please go follow her & read her book! It's really good😍😍😍 & part 2 coming soon. Deuces✌️❤️

_Zee❤️💛💚💙💜