Diaries: Colors

Secrets

**Skips 5 years**

(Now this is where she starts to keep a journal/diary. Now mostly everything will be in entry form.)

"Hey baby

Yeah, you're crazy

But you ain't that crazy about me

Cause you think that you can get whatever you want

So you lie and you try to play me

Say lady, you're cold,

You're poison to me

And I know..."

*Chris Brown x Say It With Me*

April 23

Ever since his birthday, Jacob has been coming home late & going out everyday during our family time. The twins, Christian Deshawn & Tristian Nicole, are now 5. We're are all born in the month of April. Jacob's the 21st, I'm the 24th, & their's is the 27th. I thought that was kind of cool that our birthdays were all 3 days apart. My birthday's tomorrow & I don't even know if he'll be there to celebrate it. I'll be surprised if he stays for longer than 3 hours or at least comes home from work at the appropriate time. Maybe then, he'll show he cares. If he does. Hearing crying from the twins' room, I rush to find the problem. When I get there, I find that Tristian has her head in her hands, shaking with sobs. I sit on her bed, put her in my lap, & cradle her. I ask her what the problem is & she replies with,

"I had a dream that you & Daddy broke up," she revealed.

I didn't want to lie to my baby girl but how do I explain that I have suspicions of her dad? Thinking carefully of what to say, I blurt out the stupidest thing ever.

"Why would you say that, sweetheart?"

"Well, when Daddy comes home late at night, you always yell at him. You say, "Why do I even go through this with you?" she mimicked in her 'Mommy' voice.

"Oh. Well, we just fought a little bit but all mommies & daddies go through that. We still love each other very much, baby girl."

At least I still love him very much.

"Okay Mommy. I was just scared of not seeing you anymore," she said quietly.

"Awwww," I cooed. "You'll always have me, Tris. No matter what."

..............

I waited for Jacob in the living room & when I heard the front door finally open, it was 12:13 am. I was tired but I told myself that I was going to figure out where he really was every night & work things out. But only if he works with me first. If he retaliates, he'll only make things worse & I don't want that. He tried to quietly shut the door but at the first sound, I knew it was him. As he tiptoed across the floor, I scoffed at him. He really thought he was slick. He must take me for some kind of fool.

"How was work, Jacob?" I called out into the blackness of the air.

He hesitated to answer me knowing that he was caught but eventually, he gave me a,

"It was fine, dear."

"So... What did you do today?"

"I presented my project today," he said sheepishly. "One of my coworkers didn't like it though."

"Oh. Well, who was the coworker hating on my baby?"

"Ashley. I hate that woman," he growled.

"Sure, you do. Come sit by me, babe," I said, patting the spot on the couch beside me.

"I, uh, can't. I need a shower then I gotta get some sleep for tomorrow," he replied.

I got up, using the darkness as an advantage because I knew he couldn't see me that well, & came up behind him. I took a whiff of him & smelled a faint trace of women's perfume. I didn't know if it was being around women all day or if it was because he had taken a step too far with one. I decided to just say what I felt because this little game has to end... Now.

"When I ask you this, I want you to give me the real answer. I am your wife & you don't keep anything from me, no matter what it is, correct?" I ask.

"Yes," he responds.

"Okay. So now that we have an understanding... What did you do at work today, Jacob?"

He sighed & spilled what happened at work.

"I had a little bit of an affair with someone. I'm r--"

"Who was it?"

"....Ashley...." he whispered. "But she came onto me & pushed her off of me & told her to--"

"Just... Go upstairs," I sighed.

"I'm sorry, Maya," he said, leaving me alone in my own silence.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought about everything we went through together. Now after 5 years of marriage, he wants to cheat. I wouldn't have been as mad if he told me himself but the fact that I had to force it out of him was ridiculous. I was truly appalled at the behavior of my husband. What made it worse was that he tried to make the girl sound like she wasn't a threat at all. Was I not good enough? Am I not appealing to him anymore? What do I need to do to make this work again? I thought about all these things as I let my pent up tears fall freely down my face. We said 'for better or for worse' so I know that I need to forgive him sometime & make this work but we also said that we'd love & cherish each other for the REST OF OUR LIVES. I don't know what I'm going to do. Going into the kitchen, I got a tub of ice cream & went to the family room & scrolled through the channels on the tv. It landed on 'Madea's Family Reunion'. I cried watching that because the girl had a husband that claimed to love her but beat her every chance he got. Right now, I feel like Jacob's doing that to me. Not physically but emotionally. When the credits rolled around, I heard tiny footsteps. I immediately knew it was one of the twins. I quickly wiped my tears & turned around to see a little afro standing at the edge of the couch. I motioned him to come over to me & he sat in my lap. Looking at me with the light of the television, he saw my tearstained face & asked me what was wrong. I told him that I had a rough night & he just nodded & laid his head on my chest with his thumb in his mouth. I always wondered about my firstborn baby, Christian. He was so quiet that Jacob & I thought that he had autism but we realized that he was just quiet. He only spoke when necessary to him & I found that amazing. He was almost the complete opposite of his sister. I stroked his cheek, lulling him back to sleep. After I heard faint snores, I put him back in his bed & walked back to the family room. I walked past the staircase to our room & wondered if I should go up there. I went against that idea & went back to the couch. I wish that all this never happened but what couple doesn't go through a hard time? But infidelity? Is the spark that we once had gone?