INSECURITY. - JINGYEOM

nineteen.

gyeom
you don't care about me do you?
you never do, you've never given
a shit about me. all you care
about is the others, you don't
wanna lose them so you lie.
you coat your words with
fake sweetness and say
everything's a joke.
it's not jinyoung, it's
really not. it hurts me
to know you've even
thought those things about
me, jokes or not. i've told
you this so many times, but
you never stop, you never
think about me or how i feel.
and i hate it. you're just like him,
you brush my feelings off and
just do what you want, never
thinking about the consequences
or how it affects others.
you're a jerk.
i've cried myself to sleep
on so many nights because
of you and your stupid jokes.
you're supposed to be my
friend, but friends do not hurt
each other, don't tell each
other their voices are annoying,
or that they could be skinnier,
or get mad at them when they
need support, or ignore them
when they say they need them,
or call them stupid for not being
mentally okay all the time, and i
have so many more examples
but i won't name them. you
treat me like nothing, like i'm
nothing, like i mean nothing, like
i'm worth nothing, it's aggravating
and it hurts me.
i hate you park jinyoung.
seen 9:25pm

gyeom
wait shit.
seen 9:25pm

gyeom
i wasn't supposed to
actually send that.
seen 9:25pm

gyeom
wait jinyoung i'm sorry
seen 9:26pm

gyeom
i didn't mean it omg
seen 9:26pm

gyeom
god i'm such an idiot.
seen 9:26pm

nyoungie
wow.
seen 9:26pm

jinyoung was hurt. he felt like shit. he cared about yugyeom. he cared so much. his emotions and feelings did matter. he certainly didn't mean nothing. jinyoung was crying, he never liked crying.

he hurt yugyeom more than he thought he did. he hated himself. but he wasn't the one who was hurt. he wasn't the one who wrote a whole paragraph about how one of his best friends didn't care about him at all.

he didn't deserve to be hurt, he wasn't allowed. he wasn't the victim and he couldn't pretend he was. all he knew was he hated himself right now and he couldn't handle it.

-

yugyeom couldn't breathe. he fucked up. he hit send. he shouldn't have hit send. he's stupid, jinyoung was right he was an idiot. yugyeom wanted to die, wanted to bury himself in a hole and never come out. he probably just lost a friend.

yugyeom wanted to vomit. he felt sick to his stomach. but he didn't want to disappoint anymore. he held in the vomit, and just sat on his floor, sobbing, his phone thrown across the room. jinyoung probably hated him now.

he couldn't live with jinyoung hating him for the rest of his life. jinyoung was the only person besides bambam that he truly trusted, he needed him, so the prospect of him hating him even just a bit, was terrifying to yugyeom.

he didn't know what to do, he felt so unbelievably stupid. he probably made jinyoung feel bad, all he ever does is effect his friends negatively. if he wasn't so stupid things would still be normal.

things would be so much better for everyone if he just wasn't here anymore.