INSECURITY. - JINGYEOM

four.

gyeom
i hate myself.
seen 2:34pm

gyeom
i ruined everything
jinyoungie
seen 2:34pm

jinyoungie
what? yugyeom no you
didn't.
seen 2:35pm

gyeom
we were all so happy together
but i ruined it by dating him.
seen 2:35pm

jinyoungie
yugyeom what happened to
you is not your fault. it never
was and it never will be, dont
ever blame yourself for that
disgusting mans actions, it
is  not your fault.
seen 2:36pm

gyeom
it is though.
seen 2:36pm

jinyoungie
no
seen 2:36pm

gyeom
i should just die. maybe
then everything will go
back to how it was,
maybe then everyone
can be happy again.
seen 2:37pm

jinyoungie
what? gyeom no.
sent

jinyoungie
yugyeom
sent

jinyoungie
fuck
sent

~~

yugyeom often thought about the old days. before he met him. him and his friends were happy, always laughing and having a good time, back then he never took jinyoungs jokes so serious, in fact he joked back.

that's one of the ways they could tell something was wrong with him, when one day jinyoung was making his jokes and teasing him, yugyeom didn't come up with a sassy comeback, he stayed quiet, kept his eyes glued to the ground and told himself it was only a joke.

there was many things kim yugyeom was, but quiet and shy was not one of them. at least not back then. now he barely talked to his friends, never had the courage to speak up or fight back when he got hurt by someone, because he learned the hard way that fighting back only made it worse.

when yugyeom slowly started getting more and more reserved, when he started to isolate himself, that's when they really realized something wasn't right. by then him and this boy had been dating for 3 months, and this all started when they got together.

at their 5 month anniversary is when it got to its worst, yugyeom would not leave his apartment in fear that he'd be punished for it. he never answered the phone, even if it was bambam. it had been so long since he spoke to his friends that they were beginning to forget the sound of his voice.

that was also the month that he told bambam everything. he broke down and told him all about the mental, physical, emotional and sometimes sexual abuse he endured. it broke bambams heart, he wanted to tell everyone but yugyeom made him promise to not tell anyone, and after hearing what he'd gone through, he didn't have it in him to break that promise.

he only told the others what was happening when yugyeom stopped answering texts and calls, stopped showing up, when he completely disappeared. he got so scared for his best friend that he told the others everything. it took them the whole day to find him, he was in his apartment.

he wasn't him though, he was like an empty shell of the yugyeom they once knew, and it was all the guys fault. it looked like yugyeom, but it didn't feel, sound or seem like him at all. he was too tense and scared, and didn't want anyone to touch him. his voice was no longer loud and powerful, it was quiet, scared and weak. and his personality was gone, replaced with a totally new and different one, a bad one.

it took them 3 months to get him out of the relationship. which means he spent 9 months with that guy, 9 months but 2 was all it took to break yugyeom and rebuild him as something he wanted not what yugyeom wanted, but it seemed that yugyeom would break and change himself for just about anyone's approval, after all he lived off of praise.

thinking about how he ruined his friends happiness, how he ruined his friend groups happy vibe, hurt him. made him cry, he cried a lot now, he hated it so much, it made him weak.

at this point he was so done, done with being sad, done with being numb, done with being angry, done with constantly feeling like everything was his fault, he was so done with everything that he just wanted it to be over. he didn't want to feel anything.

but he knew he shouldn't have told jinyoung of all people that.