Open To Interpretation

Get Better

i don't think you understand. whenever i spell something wrong in the group chat, it's me digging my nails into the back of my next, calling myself an idiot over and over again. when i tweet out something unnecessary, it's me holding my breath and switching apps to text myself and say "die" over and over again. whenever i make eye contact with someone across the room, it's me curling my toes and writing in my journal that i make people uncomfortable. whenever i have a spare few minutes, it's me feeding myself fake compliments in order to keep from drowning in the inescapable tar that is myself. i have to close my eyes, grab my own hand and say things like "it's okay, i love you. i love your brain, and you deserve to stay alive." because if it's not "please fight this", then it's "please kill yourself". i went swimming two days ago and seriously considered drowning myself in the deep end because i can't swim and the cool, tranquil night seemed like a fitting ending credits for my life. i had to leave immediately because even though there were loose ends in my plan, i knew that staying too long meant the still blue water would lure me in and i would finally let myself rest. now it's just another check mark in my book of times i had to slap myself to avoid hurting myself. it just goes in circles. i get irritated and frustrated easily because of it. i know how to hold it in for the whole school day, but i still go to the bathroom just to punch the stall walls. sometimes i leave the house having completely given in and expecting to feel alright with mediocre effort in my appearance, but then it comes in and whispers that i'm a rat shit excuse for a human being and everyone i encounter thinks the same. i'm a piece of taffy it pulls me in every direction but it also crumples me up like a used piece of paper. the bottom line is that i don't know what i need to get better, and i don't know if i want to get better at all.