flatline [m.s]

xv.

- - -
looking back, it's easy to see when a mistake has been made... to regret a choice that seemed like a decent idea at the time.
- - -

"yang," lia greets her favourite resident, as she and meredith approach the o.r board. "you're going solo today."

"been there," cristina shrugs.

"cardio solo," lia expands. "valve replacement. nobody forgets it."

"porcine or?" cristina questions.

"mechanical."

"i can try out the sub-annular stitches?" cristina asks her teacher.

"i didn't teach it to you so you could crochet," lia smiles.

"thank you! oh my god!" cristina exclaims as jackson walks over to the three girls.

"what?" jackson asks, having only been present for cristina's excited response, and not the cause of her excitement.

"webber's letting her go solo," meredith explains. "on a valve."

"wow!" jackson exclaims. "feel ready?"

"she's ready," meredith answers on behalf of her best friend. "she just needs to breathe."

"i am breathing," cristina interjects. "i am a living, breathing cardio thoracic surgeon, as of right now. i have to go prep."

"i'll see you in the o.r," lia chuckles as cristina runs off to prepare.

■ ■ ■

in o.r two, lia's patient is lying open on the table with cristina yang stood over her, after a long day of the patient changing their preference on the type of valve replacement they wanted. this meant that cristina had to prep for several different surgeries.

lia, on the other hand, had taken a step back and taken advantage of the teaching moment for different valve types. she was now sat on the sidelines, observing yang's first solo surgery.

"she's tachycardic," the scrub nurse announces.

"suction. laps, i need more laps. someone get me a sponge stick," cristina requests. "um, i'm having difficulty locating the bleeder. dr. webber?"

"keep looking," lia attempts to encourage her.

"systolic's down to eighty!" cristina panics. "i could suture directly or i could clamp. i don't know which to do."

"clamp," lia instructs. "if you suture, it will not hold."

"pig or cow? pig or cow?" cristina says quietly, thinking out loud.

"what was that, yang?" lia raises her brow.

"i'm going to suture," she repeats. "the clamp may rupture."

"i've told you to clamp," lia raises her voice, making her way to the operating table. "yang! step away from the patient!"

"this is my solo surgery," cristina argues, ignoring her as she carries on suturing.

"you are still a resident, and i'm still your attending," lia says, as the sutures begin to lose their hold on the aortic valve. "now, get out of my o.r!"

cristina leaves and stands outside the door with her head in her hands as lia remains in the o.r attempting to fix yang's mistake. once the surgery is complete, lia heads out of the o.r to talk to cristina.

"what the hell was that?" lia snaps, causing cristina to look up at her.

"both techniques had their drawbacks, and i chose the one i felt was best," cristina tells her.

"after i told you which one was the right one in that scenario," lia shouts. "i then told you to step away from the patient, and you continued to undermine me."

"i'm sorry, dr. webber," cristina attempts to reassure. "i honestly thought i was making the right choice."

"if i hadn't have stepped in; that patient would have died," lia explains. "you want to be the best. i get that. i wanted to be the best too. but you don't get to being the best if you don't listen to those who are trying to teach you."

"i know," cristina shamefully looks at her feet. "i can assure you that it will never happen again."

"damn right it won't. you're off my service," lia says, removing her scrub cap and exiting the o.r ward.

■ ■ ■

"you will never guess what yang did today?" lia says, pacing back and forth in mark's hotel room as he sits on the edge of the bed watching the girl he had become so infatuated with. "she completely undermined me, in my o.r. i'm trying to teach her, but i don't think i can."

"come here," mark says, grabbing her arm and pulling her so that she's sat on his lap. "do you want to order take out? and then later i'll do that thing you like."

"you always know how to cheer me up," she sarcastically jokes, as he gently rubs her back.

"i know that ordering take out, drinking wine, and having sex are your top three favourite things to do."

"well two out of three- take out and wine," she jokes, causing him to playfully squeeze her thigh. "i love you."

that's all it took; three little words to make mark freeze. his body rigid, he was no longer rubbing her back. when he remains frozen and unresponsive, lia stands up from his lap and turns to face him.

"i- i-" mark attempts to stutter out a sentence after several minutes of silence, but he fails.

"can't say it back?" lia asks, biting her lip to try and prevent tears from rolling down her cheeks. hoping that he'll tell her that her guess is wrong, and that he loves her too.

"can't say it back," mark confirms, looking down at his hands, refusing to look at lia.

- - -
but if we used our best judgment and listened to our hearts, we are more likely to see that we chose wisely and avoided the deepest most pain regret of them all
- - -

"then i can't do this," lia sighs, using her hand to gesture between the two of them. "i guess you don't have to worry about my dad finding out you're my secret boyfriend anymore."

mark remains silent, and frozen where he is sat, watching lia grab her things and walk out of the hotel room.

- - -
the regret from letting something amazing pass you by.
- - -