Always You || Patrick Cripps

46.

Patrick's POV

There are times my brain fries up. It's no excuse I know, I own my behaviour. I try to help, try to be better, and then a trigger is flicked.

My emotions turn cold, fearful, anxious. In these moments I am least proud of who I am. I am ashamed of those who I put between myself and my own issues.

Again, it was Georgia who reaped the detriment of my actions. She was put under pressure, cornered by myself in her own home. Looking back, of course I regretted it. I never wanted to put us in that situation, but there was nothing I could do to take it back.

The moment I touched her, I couldn't take myself away. It was what I had been waiting for, the girl I longed to be with over several years, she was right in front of me, faces inches apart. And I did it, I kissed her, and she kissed me back.

The intoxication I believe played a role in my actions and how bold they were. I never would have made a move on her had I been sober. But I guess that was the price you pay for drinking too much.

Now I was just embarrassed. That was the primary emotion that summed up the situation.

At the time I was unaware of just how embarrassed I was.  Now every time I thought of it, I was shame-faced. Ashamed of what I did.

I kissed her. I went up to her and kissed her, practically forcing her to kiss me back made me cringe. That was not at all how I wanted our first proper kiss to be.

I wanted it to be romantic, in a time where I told her how I felt about her. But it was the opposite, it was the least romantic, or special environment.

She was my best friend, not only was she that, she was also the love of my life.

As she was yet to find out about that part, we continued to be friends, the best of friends, until I mustered up enough courage to tell her, which I didn't. And now I couldn't do it.

I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I was in love with her, not after the stunt I pulled.

I sprung my feelings onto her with no warning, not considering how she felt.

I never seemed to think about her before I did something. For some reason, it was a reoccurring pattern in our lives. I would do something truely awful and struggle to make it up to her.

I was sick of letting her down, and putting our relationship on ice but I couldn't get control of myself in those moments.

Now, again, adding to the events that had tested us through the years, this one was bigger than ever.

I couldn't handle seeing how she reacted the next morning.

I could imagine if I was to wake up and see her face, looking at me as we tried to figure out what had just happened. I couldn't look in her eyes and tell her the truth. Not now, not ever.

So, to my detriment, the morning after, when I woke up beside her, I picked up all my stuff and left her house. As she kept sleeping soundly I refused to wake her. I knew the look she would give me would be too much to handle.

I felt guilty for leaving without an explanation, but I succumbed to the humiliation of my actions. I couldn't handle knowing her response.

Knowing those feelings I expressed weren't going to be reciprocated was hurtful. If I could avoid that pain for as long as possible, of course I was going to.

We would talk about it later, delaying the hard conversations was something I never felt good about.

But this was a situation I didn't want to be in. This was a topic that was different to other disagreements we would have.