Always You || Patrick Cripps

66.

Georgia's POV

You know those thoughts I was having. The unwanted, negative ideas about entering a new relationship. A scary representation of what it's like inside my mind.

They hadn't gone away. I had spent days with them in the front of my mind, consuming my every thought.

The poor planning aspects of love. We dive head first into it, not caring about the consequences. We don't care about anything else once we fall in love.

Love creates ignorance around us. Where we only focus on what we love and are blind to the truth about everything else.

For a few days, I was naive enough to fall into that bubble. Thinking everything was perfect and nothing could be ruined. But it wasn't realistic.

I was having doubts already. I'm sure it was normal, but not at all comforting. The thoughts had become so strong that I started to really believe them, invalidating my feelings about Pat.

I've always been the type of person to reflect on these things. I've always been an over thinker. There's been this voice in my head, since the day he told me he loved me.

Constantly doubting us, and questioning what we were doing.

Were we ruining a perfectly enjoyable friendship by being together. I hated that the thought even came to me, but were we?

It's annoying. It's so vivid in my mind, yet all I want is for it to go away. For it to disappear, vanish and grant me some peace of mind.

Truth be told, I am afraid. I'm afraid of letting go of the walls I have built around me. Protecting me from all things harmful. I'm afraid of fully let him in, and I'm afraid of getting my heart broken again.

Who is to say he won't hurt me again. I know I chose to believe him and everything he told me. I still do, but I can't help but look out for myself. Was I willing jump into something at the risk of having my heart broken again. I'm still not sure.

I think when you fall in love, it is always scary. I won't be in control of my emotions anymore. Allowing my emotions to escape my mind and being vulnerable with someone I value so dearly.

Trusting him enough to let go of something as powerful as my thoughts terrified me. This mental barrier was the only thing keeping me from being fully invested in us.

I want to love him with everything I have in me. But maybe it's not that simple after all.

I had been juggling it all week, wondering if it would ever go away. I hadn't yet found it urgent enough to bring it up to him, but I was getting close.

Sometimes I thought that maybe he could help. Hoping that he would calm me down and reassure me that our love was strong enough.

The other part of me felt like it would be an irreversible mistake.

If I told him now, so soon after just being together, I was afraid of pushing him away. If he knew I was having doubts, maybe he would be too. Then it would really be a complete disaster.

So I had kept it to myself, hoping, praying that it would one day go away.

So far, I hadn't found it hard to hide it from him. We spent time together every day, and on not one of those days did I let anything slip. Trying my best not to let him see it, and I was completely sure that he had no idea about my pessimism.

He was too caught up in us being together and how happy he was. I wish I could be there with him, in that state. That is all I want to get back to. The way I felt the day he told me he felt the same way. Then I wouldn't have to pretend that everything was okay.