Light Me Up

9: And Ryley's self confidence grew three sizes that day

The more I smoked, the more I seemed to care about nothing. I didn't even care about smoking most of the time, but I'd never turn down an offer. When Alex called me Saturday morning I nearly jumped out of my skin.

Saying yes to meeting him turned out to be one of my worst mistakes.

"What happened?" Kaylee asks, when I walked into her room in an almost zombie-like trance. I shake my head, wanting to bury it into a pillow and suffocate.

"It was a set up," I say. "Jamie and Jesse were both there, and it was so obvious that they'd been talking about me before I got there. They'd push Alex and I together and laugh... They'd just bring really weird stuff up and try to get Alex and I to hook up... The whole thing was just really awkward. Even though I was high."

"But I thought you liked him..." Kaylee trails off, confused.

"I thought I did, too, but not after tonight," I say, plopping down on her comfy bed. "It doesn't even matter that he's cute, I just realized that I need to have more in common with someone than one stupid thing."

"I never really wanted you to go out with him anyway," Kaylee confesses, and I wait for an explanation. "All he cares about is weed, and you could do a lot better..." I roll my eyes. That's all anyone ever says to me. You could do a lot better, well clearly I can't.

At school on Monday, Jamie and Jesse laugh whenever they see me; which does nothing but make me feel extremely self conscious, and make me regret Saturday night even more.

"Hey, Ryley," Alex sits down next to me at lunch, and I want to disappear. "Saturday was fun. We should do it again sometime."

How could you say that was fun? I wonder. I didn't have a good time at all, how could he? I don't even feel right thinking about it, so I push it to the back of my mind.

"Yeah," I agree absently. When Danny sits down next to me, I try and talk to him as much as I can.  Even if he doesn't say anything, he'll listen to me talk for hours. He's sweet like that. When I fall silent, he smiles at me, knowing that my babbling is over for the moment. I start to think that maybe I should be flattered Alex likes me, and if I still liked him like that maybe we could've been a couple. My first boyfriend, I almost laugh because I've screwed it up. It's not like I could help it though, I can't force myself to keep liking someone when the feelings just turn off. Sure, I like smoking, but it's not the only thing I care about. I could probably use this to my advantage, too, the fact that Alex likes me. I'd have someone who could get me weed when I wanted it badly. Just a couple bats of my eyelashes and I could probably seal the deal, no problem.

I walked out of my house the next morning with a facade of self confidence in my posture. I made sure to put enough time into my appearance so that there was a noticeable change. The weather was cold outside, but I wore a tanktop that seemed to make my small chest look a little bigger, covered by a zip up that hugged my curves and made me look thin. I wore skinny jeans, as usual, making my butt look nice. My hair was in it's natural dark waves, and I did my makeup to make my eyes pop. Danny noticed.

"Someone looks beautiful today," he says, taking his usual seat next to mine the bus. I bite my lip to hold back a laugh, me? beautiful?

I smile instead, "Thanks."

"No problem," he smiles back. This is only a test though, I just wonder if Alex will notice, because Danny sure did. I guess I could only wait out the next twenty minutes and see.

As I made my way around school, I was definitely getting the reaction I thought I wanted, and I wanted to smirk. I wanted to feel beautiful, and confident; but all I felt in this instant was the need to put on an over sized sweatshirt. I sat down next to Alex at lunch, who's blue eyes burned when they met mine. They'd already met the rest of my body, and I wish I liked that feeling.