Always You || Patrick Cripps

41.

The first proper smile I had seen from him in months. It caught me off guard only momentarily as I didn't realise the effect his smile had on me. I had almost forgotten how much I loved seeing his smile.

The conversations we recently had didn't eventuate to any smiles from the two of us. But again, I was glad we were finally past that.

"Should we go?" I asked him, he nodded in agreement.

We both walked outside as I locked up the house. Then getting in Pat's car for our drive to the park.

"So what's been going on?" Pat asked me as we began the drive.

"Well I had my last psychologist appointment yesterday" I told him hesitantly. I wasn't sure what he was going to say in response.

I knew he liked me going to the psychologist. He thought it was good for me. And so did I, initially. But now I was just over it. I felt fine, acted fine I just didn't want to be reminded of that night anymore.

But there was also the side of me scared about letting it go. I didn't know any different. Maybe I was too reliant on it to give me an explanation for the way I was feeling.

"Oh, well that's good right?" He questioned, noticing my hesitation.

"Yeah it is. I'm sort of glad to be done. But I'm also a bit worried" I told him honestly.

"You'll be okay. Marcus and I are only a few minutes away. You know that" he assured me.

"Yeah I know" I smiled back.

But inside I was still really anxious. Having my psychology appointments every week was sort of a comfort thing. Like I always knew she could help me with the new worries that developed.

I knew it was time for me to move on without her in my corner. I needed that to be taken away if I was ever going to go back to the way I was before.

I still pretended everything was normal. But lately o felt my positive mindset wasn't working. As much as I wanted it to. It wasn't working. I tried and tried to assure myself that I was okay.

But I was still having panic attacks, anxiety, I just didn't mention it to anyone. And it was going to stay that way.

There were just too many obstacles to get over. None of the things that happened were going to be erased from my memory.

I just thought maybe if I acted like everything was okay, then maybe one day I would feel that way. It was wrong to think, but I just didn't want anyone else in my life to suffer because of me.

All I had to think about was all of the good people in my life and things to be happy about. I was just hanging onto that to take my mind off it all.

Like spending the day with Pat and the dogs.

Pat and I got to the park quickly as it was only local. He let the dogs out as I ran to the middle of the oval and started bouncing the ball. My attempts weren't all that bad, my under 16's footy skills shining through.

Pat looked impressed with my skills as he walked over. We started kicking the footy, letting the dogs run around for an hour or so.

But after that I was over it. I was as exhausted as you can be. Running around more in an hour than I had in the past month.

I knew it was Pat's sneaky way of getting me to exercise after all this time. Disguising it as fun with him and the dogs, really just a way to get me moving.

I eventually told him I had enough and he took me home. I grabbed Billie out of the back of the car and then waved Pat goodbye before walking inside the house.