People asked me why I bought blades, but I myself don't even know it was in summer and I was hurting and confused, definitely lost. Any who, I just felt to let this out to someone and you guys are kinda the only people who listen or whatever I mean even if you don't respond to me, you read and I guess you understood or whatever you guys do to make me feel good, but yeah, you I wanna talk to people and you are the only people I have to talk to so yeah lol (I know it's sad)
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I didn't know what to do, after being told I was too emotional, like a million times, I tried to stop and it was gradually working, when I wanted to break and cry under the pressure, I would tough it up and smile and laugh and joke around, but it got to the point where I mastered it and when I wanted to cry, you know that build up you feel in your throat? Well yeah I had that and it started to hurt cuz I was feeling it for a whole week, I was helpless, feeling worthless and I didn't know what to do, and every thought, mostly negatives, were popping up in my head about me just........ FAILING and being a FAILURE in LIFE.
With mastering the skills of not showing much emotions and sharing thoughts anymore, I was really heartbroken that I couldn't be enough for him and that no-one had my back and no-one else was sharing my story and I started to think that maybe something really is wrong with me as a person and with the heartache and not being able to cry I figured hey, I haven't cut in a while maybe that will help me to cry and feel something else just not this much heartache, so I bought them went into the shower and just looked at them for a good while before I turned the shower on and soaked myself then I just started cutting my thighs, I personally am not a fan of pain, so it hurt like hell, but I needed it and I did cry, I cried a lot and for a long time, I cried for so long, that my eyes were swollen and all and then after that, after feeling a bit relieved I went to sleep, but was woken by the family and the thing about me is that, when I cry EVERYONE WILL END UP KNOWING BECAUSE MY BODY SAYS IT, MY EYES, EARS AND FACE JUST SAYS "YUP I CRIED A WHOLE LOT AND I DO NOT WANT YOU TO SPEAK TO ME SO PLEASE DON'T" and of course no one bothered me and for some reason that pissed me off that they didn’t care however I just cried myself to sleep and left it at that, since then I haven't cried or anything like that, like I said, I’m trying to be normal.
Now I know some of you guys are saying that, that makes no sense and I’m just looking attention or some negative comment or something in your crazy brains but that isn't it. See I’m a person who likes being happy, I like being proud of myself and most of the time, all negative thoughts or emotions affect me, so when I am going through anything, it just messes things up. Now in my life, I have to do things that many of you just wouldn't understand. To me it’s all about what people think and I know it may be stupid but hey, I’m a girl and sometimes I just don't know what to do it’s not even like I have people to tell me anything because they have their own problems and they believe in just trying to work out things for themselves and also helping me at the same times YET, their help is never really enough, and I guess that’s because emotions are basically what I am, I am sorrow and depression and problems covered with a big bright smile and a cute personality, see what I did there. Deep inside I am just basically problems, always thinking about what BAD THING WILL HAPPEN NEXT, and yet I am a really amazing girl with good values, morals and I ALWAYS HAVE GOOD ADVICE FOR PEOPLE.
Again some of you might ask, "then if your such a nice person why make things bother you?" or something like that, but it’s not always easy because I have parents and family members who just expect me to be WHAT THEY WANT, AND BE MY OWN PERSOAN AT THE SAME TIME. I don't know if it makes any sense but what I am saying is that if I mess up one thing, I worry about that one thing and what people will say about it, and then the worrying messes up my train of thought for EVERYTHING ELSE and once that happens I get frustrated and when I get frustrated I tend to lose focus and fail. It’s something I do all the time!!! And it pisses me off, especially when I realize that I disappointed people more importantly HIM.
My mind is just messy and I just wanted to get that out there cuz like I said, I needed to just get that out there and ask one question did any of that count for what I did? You know the cutting thing? I mean to me it seemed stupid to do something you know is pointless, wrong and yet it seemed to help me in a way I don’t even understand......................... (I bet that makes no sense lol)
But all is saying is that,
I'm tired of being angry,
And feeling like crap!
I'm tired of feeling like I am not enough,
Feeling locked in not responding,
Yet there is an overloading,
Of my thoughts.
Feeling distraught,
With a weak heart,
From their constant downgrading.
Don't ignore me,
Please restore me,
From all the pain I am causing myself.
*Surrounded with so many, saying so much and yet no-one can hear me*
Anyway guys thanks for reading and helping me in the little ways that y'all do, I really appreciate it and I like it when u guys ask questions, most people have been messaging me but you can also put your questions down below, in the comments so please say something guys, ask a question or just say something guys cuz I hate talking to people who never seem to know what to say, so SAY SOMETHING AND DON'T GIVE UP ON ME.
