[prompt: 'hurt' 3/5/2019]
With several more great schloops of beer down the hatch - along with an update for Baz's benefit - Joe held up his STOP sign hand gesture.
"The best bit, little mate. That's what I promised you."
"Of this ever-ablution rev-up meeting you're on about? One of them churchy things, is it then?"
Joe puffed up his cheeks and blew out a long sigh from the sides of his mouth, as his eyes all but met his eyebrows.
"EVOLUTION!" He growled. "You've heard them say the AYES have it?"
And as Baz rolled his eyes expressively [with an embarrassingly lewd grin at the dolly-birds in their shortest of short skirts further down the bar], Joe groaned. "NOT them eyes you see with, yer silly bugger. AYES! AYES - like 'YES', 'we're all in favour'. Do you 'get' it?"
"I'm telling you... and this is straight from the horse's north and south. The final battle's not gonna be like any other. It's not gonna be Man vs. Man... THIS time it'll be MAN vs. his OWN body. REVERSE evolution."
"Yep! New Age Thumb vs. Brain - that's the one that'll spin history on its ear. This massive thumb on the domino hand... uhrr NO. Uhrmm - DOM-IN-ANT—" Joe's STOP hand comes up again as Baz draws breath, "That's when your main hand is your right one - otherwise you're a SOUTHPAW. Yair. Well-ll, whatever thumb does all the work on their SMSing stuff is gonna over-develop in the most outlandish fashion. And you know what else?" And as Baz drew breath again, Joe rushed on. "THAT thumb will grow SO big from overuse, the science blokes are worried whether the arm can possibly develop enough to hold it up." He sighed deeply and downed the contents of the current glass. "Ï could tell 'em, if they asked me.. course it won't. The little darlings don't even bend the old arm here at the rubbidy, to build up their muscles. They've got Buckleys of holding up a monster thumb. I tell yer, it's all gonna end in tears... AND knuckles brushing the ground, same as old Neanderthal Norm. And that's not all!"
Joe was really warming to his story and appreciative audience now. He curled his lip in disgust. "They already grunt and mutter like him. It's the brains, or lack of. Gotta be shrinking when yer see all the mistakes everywhere - can't spell, or add up - can't even read or write cursive—" A smile suddenly lit his face. "Have yer heard we're gonna be able to do the most abusive graffiti in hospital and old age care joints when we get there, and so long as it's in cursive, no young medicos will be able to read it!"
"Cursing as a French benefit! Sounds good to me!" Baz was valiant in his efforts to catch up in the drinking stakes, and doing a fine job with Joe being handicapped by so much palaver. Suits me, he muttered. Spout away. He scratched his head and other unmentionables in a most unbecoming fashion, and before Joe could set him straight - AGAIN - Baz continued. "SO... does a shrinkin' brain mean when yer throat's as dry as a Pommy's bath mat and yer drown it, good and proper-like, and then there's that whoppin' great hangover that follows... Yer reckon that'll shrink too, and mebbe hurt less?"
Glossary of Aussie-isms:
Schloop - no dictionary definition found - however, 'tis a word commonly found in the writings of the author and the mouths of these particular characters.
Bugger - depending on tone of voice, best mate or worst enemy
horse's north and south - mouth... expression meaning absolute truth
Southpaw - left-hander
Gonna - going to
Bend the arm - raise another glass, have another drink - over and over and over again.
Rubbidy - shortened rubbidy dub - rhyming slang for pub or hotel
Buckleys - No chance whatsoever [Google it for full definition... the word count police are already at the door, guns raised and ready]
French benefit - fringe benefit [this one's Baz-specific as Friday night at the boozer progresses] [boozer? Aww c'mon... check rubbidy dub - same definition]
Dry as a Pommy's bathmat - [Google it... now the Johnny Hoppers have shot the lock off the door! And Google Johnny H... while you're there, too]
Aaarrgh... - the sound the author makes as she's marched off to the dread word overload cell.
YOU ARE READING
Think I Can FlyShort Story
My 2019 collection of flash fiction and non-fiction stories inspired by a weekly prompt word begins. And who better to feature first than an Aussie achiever extraordinaire?