No More Secrets

Chapter 40

Does the clock always tic this loud, or is it me losing my mind? Is it okay that I am feeling so hot in the middle of December? Is this usual that I feel my lungs aren't giving me enough amount of oxygen that I believe I need?

No, this can't be. It's all in my head; I am sure of it.

I close my eyes for a precious moment and take deep breath then I let it out slowly. I repeated this exercise for about 3 times then I started to feel better.

Everyone was already in the living room as I asked them. They were waiting for me to tell them what 'big news' I had. If only doing the good thing was as easy as it sounded.

The most thing I am terrified to figure out is how Zayn and Maya will react to this. Okay, well maybe Maya won't really understand now but one day she'll grow and ask me how doesn't she remember anything about her father at the age of 4.

Maybe I should tell Zayn in private first?

"C'mon Mariam! We don't have all day long!" Louis shouted.

Well there is no time and I gotta do it now. No changing my mind and no turning back.

I walk into the living room. God! Everyone is watching very movement and it's killing me.

I release one more deep breath before talking. "There is something which I have been keeping from all of you for a long time and couldn't quite bring myself to tell anyone but two people. It's really taking a huge part of me to tell you this now."

"Please go ahead and do so because you are making me so anxious." Niall mutters.

"I never got a chance to talk about Maya's father. I don't do that a lot or at all to be honest. All I told you was that he isn't Justin but I never told you who he really was." My breathing was barely able to keep it's pace.

"If you ever thought of it, Maya is 4 years old, which means I had her almost 5 years ago. In high school." I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying my best not to look at Zayn. Then suddenly, he stands up. "She's mine, isn't she?" I have never seen Zayn cry my whole life except maybe once or twice but not much tears ever left his eyes but today is the first time in my whole life Zayn's eyes were so shinny more than they are supposed to be yet not single tear lets go of his eye.

"Zayn." I call out his name taking a step closer but he placed his hand in between us, lightly pushing me away. "I asked you a question, please answer me." He isn't even looking at me.

"Zayn, please listen to me. I was 18 and I didn't know what to-" He cut me off.

"There you go again with the excuses! Could you stop for a moment and fucking take responsibility for your fucking mistakes for once!" Zayn shouted with so much anger.

"Zayn, I am taking all responsibility for this and this is why I am telling you this now. Please just bare in mind that I was a helpless 18-year-old and the only fucking time I tried to tell someone about my pregnancy, they tried to hit me then died, the only thing my father will remember about me is how I let him down and how much of a disappointment I am." Tears where in no place to be held back. They ran down my cheek like it was a race track.

"Look Zayn, I am not saying I did the right thing but I was scared you wouldn't want to be a part of the baby's life."

"So you fucking made that choice yourself?" He says mockingly. "I was a teenager too by the way; 19 isn't that old nor wise but I was willing to take that chance. I was willing to be a father. I would have wanted to help but you didn't ask for my consent. You just ran away from your problems like you always do." He headed towards the door.

Gathering the last breathe in me before I break down, "I am not asking for forgiveness or sympathy. I told you this because I was sick and tired of keeping secrets and because life doesn't promise any tomorrows, only todays. All I'm asking is to take your time and think it through and please don't blame Maya for my mistakes. She need a father."