Spoby: Through Her Pain

32. Not Ready

Toby's POV

Almost 4 months have gone by and things couldn't be better. Me and Spencer are official and have been for about 3 months. Jason got a promotion at work and saved up enough to move him, Spencer and Hope into a better house that's much bigger. The only problem is that he has to work long hours so its usually Spencer, Hope and me here. Spencer did relapse and went to rehab for a couple of days but I stayed at her house with Jason and Hope even after she got back. It's been nearly 2 and a 1/2 months since Spencer got back and she hasn't relapsed. I'm so proud of her. She's been through so much and  now she's finally happy.

"Knock, knock."

I can hear her footsteps inside and watch as she throws open the door and jumps into my arms.

"You're back. I missed you, you were gone too long." She says.

"I missed you too, and I was only gone for a week." I chuckle.

"It felt more like two." 

I kiss her head as she lets me inside and see Hope on the floor.

"She rolled over yesterday." Spencer states proudly.

"Wow." I scoop Hope up and tickle her under her chin and watch her giggle.

I missed them both more than I thought I would.

-.-.-.-.-

"Hope's finally asleep." I say, collapsing onto the sofa. "It only took about an hour of stories."

She gives a light chuckle. "Thank you for doing that Tobes. I could have done it."

I curl up next to her and look over her shoulder. "It's fine. What are you doing?"

She slams her book shut and turns to face me. She leans over and our lips connect. I feel her push me down onto the sofa and start to unbuckle my belt.

"Wait are you sure Spencer?"

She nods furiously before she kisses me again. I feel her start to unbutton her shirt and I can see the look of complete fear in her eyes. My instinct kicks in and I push Spencer off me and buckle up my belt. She gets up, furious.

"Why did you do that? Do you not want to have sex with me?"

"No Spencer I do, but I can see it in your eyes, you're not ready."

"You don't know anything. Don't you think its weird that we've been together this long and still haven't slept together?"

I shake my head. "No, I don't and that's because I see that look of fear in your eyes every time I try to kiss you or make an advance. And it doesn't bother me Spencer because I know you're not ready and that's because you're still scared, of what happened before we found you. And I just want you to know that I can wait for you to be ready."

She stumbles back, shocked at what I've just said. She looks at me fuming, before her face softens at the realization that I'm right. The room is silent for a few minutes before Spencer finally speaks again.

"You're right. And I know it." She starts.

She bites her lip before her face contorts with anger and then she starts yelling at me.

"And I know you're right but I just feel like such a failure as a girlfriend because I'm still too scared to have sex with you! I know you're right Toby but you know what? I wish you'd just let me have sex with you, whether I was ready or not, because at least I wouldn't feel so useless and pathetic compared to the other girls that gawp at you everyday. I-I'm just so sick in living in this constant state of fear! I'm free but I just can't fucking accept it and I just can't deal with it anymore! I'm fucking done Toby. Done!" Once she finishes she storms past me and up to her room, slamming the door behind her.

I go to follow her but Hope start crying, being awoke by all the noise, so I go to tend to her instead.

After I finally get Hope asleep again, I go to check on Spencer. I open her door a crack to see her lying on her bed, back facing me, curled up in a little ball. She's sulking.

I crawl onto her bed and curl up next to her.

"Spence, please don't be mad at me. I love you baby."

She sniffs and wriggles away from me but I wrap my arms around her and tickle her.

"Toby I'm not in the mood." She giggles.

I turn her round so she's facing me and kiss her. 

"I love you Spence and I want you to know that I'll wait for you."

She sighs and wraps her arms around me, her eyes closing.

"What did I do to deserve you Toby?" She says before falling limp against me.

"Nothing." I whisper, before drifting off to sleep. "Absolutely nothing."