5 Things I Learned In 3 Months...
1. Once you lose your mind it never completely comes back. You find yourself forgetting little things like how your heart is supposed to beat, and how to look in the mirror without seeing him. You are able to sit and stare at nothing for hours never tiring, because you've done it for so long, you're not sure what else to do. You struggle to write about anything besides him. You lost your mind, you lost pieces of yourself, and he never gave them back.
2. Killing yourself doesn't mean you have to lose your life, and self harm is not always physical. I have killed myself numerous times by looking at old photos, looking at his Instagram, waiting for his calls that never come. I will stand on the bridge, and jump, and die...and then I will do it at least two more times that night. I did not have to carve his name physically into my leg to constantly feel his touch, burning me and cutting me up.
3. You can never rid yourself of him. You will try, I promise. You will throw away things, back pictures up onto the computer so you can delete them off your phone and Instagram, rip up notes, and put things on a shelf. However you will find yourself in tears as you scrounge the garbage, put the pictures back on your phone, and taping the notes back together. You will not stop talking like him, or seeing him in the mirror when you look in your eyes, or liking things he showed you. He was apart of your life and became a part of you.
4. Do not get attached. Do not get attached. Do not get attached. When the only person you love leaves, when the only purpose you feel you had leaves, you will feel so dead that you will stare at nothing for weeks. You will hallucinate, and cry (or sometimes you won't even be able to cry and you just shake), and you will not sleep without nightmares. When you make someone your happiness, you forget completely how to he happy. Don't do it.
5. Remember that people are only people. Love will make you think he is a universe, with stars for freckles and pure gold in his veins. He will become the moon, the stars, the sun, the wind, the air you breathe. Please, do not let this happen. He is only a boy, he is not the world. It is a tragic event and hope to believe anyone is more than a person. I know because I made him into everything, and when he left, I found nothing.
