I wish I had written last night when the alcohol was fresh in my throat, but the pain in my stomach this morning is much more motivating. I talked to the mirror about drinking to get rid of the pit of anxiety I have been holding (metaphorically of course) but now it has become so much more prominent and so much more real.
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It was cough syrup with a lime aftertaste, and reminded me of my grandmother forcing me to drink cough medicine when I was sick. Only this time it was warm and made things a little blurry. I really was so goddamm sick, just not in the same way.
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A little bottle and a half later and I was texting an old friend for weed, because god what could be better than getting high too? Put myself on cloud nine and make my clothes reak of depression and all my thoughts of suicide. That's got to make this all better somehow, as long as these feelings go away for even a few minutes.
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He said no, I was being self destructive again, and he wasn't helping out.
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I texted my best friend and I'm not sure what I said anymore, but I remember that I couldn't spell and my fingers kept slipping to the wrong letters anyway. I don't think she understood what I had done, just thought I was drunk on life, and that's okay with me.
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I typed a message to my ex boyfriend and my ex bestfriend. Both were filled with fuck you's in the beginning and I'm sorry's at the end. Neither got sent.
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Genetics show I naturally can hold my liquor well, and boy was it right because that buzz didn't last for more than 20 minutes. Funny how that's probably the same amount of time my father has been able honestly say he has stayed clean. It wore off and I was worse than before, I was drowning in the liquor instead of floating above. I was drowning and it stung my eyes and I guess I thought something drier would help and I swollowed maybe too many asprin.
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I was crying in bed because of how much I hate myself, and my stomach was killing me. I was falling asleep thought, so it couldn't have been that bad. Maybe the alcohol was too warm and it's melting me, I thought.
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What an interesting way to die. A heart so cold with depression, the person tries to melt it with a bottle only to burn everything but the heart. So the body melts and melts and decomposes, and left is the heart forever.
