Dear Katherine

It never had to be this way

Dear Katherine,

       How could someone so beautiful and so radiant leave me feeling so ugly and empty inside?

       One day I had sat on a set of swings in some park, and my mind had immediately flooded itself with memories of that day at the beach.

       “What is this, Jonathan? What are we? Are we friends, are we more than friends? What are we?” I had honestly thought we were on to something… I had actually started to allow myself to think that maybe you were starting to love me, even if it was just 1/8 of how much I really loved you.

       “What do you want us to be?”

       “Damn it, Jonathan! Can’t you just be honest and tell me for once?! I’m tired of it always being what I want and what I need! What have I ever done to you that makes you want to give me what I want and what I need?! Why are you so…” Most girls would’ve been on cloud 9 if a guy made everything what they wanted and what they needed. You had asked me what you did that made me want to treat you like my world. Easy. You came into my life. That was it. Why was that so hard to understand?

       “So… what?”

       “So… not what I deserve.”

       “What?”

       “I’m an emotional wreck. I’m never good enough. And I can’t control my emotions. I’m a broken piece of crap. Why are you so intent on making me feel good, on giving me compliments, and on treating me well? I don’t understand why—” You were emotional, but I loved that about you. You were never good enough? That wasn’t possible—you were more than enough. Why couldn’t you see how amazingly beautiful you were? Everybody is broken; everybody has that dark side of them. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve to be loved. Everyone deserves to be loved, and everyone wants to be loved. Why didn’t you want to accept mine?

I had started to cry right there on those set of swings.

       “Because I love you, Katherine. You’re smart, you’re kind, you’re beautiful… you’re extraordinary. I’m like an empty glass just waiting to be filled, and you just fill me up to the brim. I’m hopelessly hopeless without you. I feel like all my life I’ve been slacking, just waiting for something to happen—waiting for a Big Bang, and then you came along. You lit up my world. I find you more interesting and beautiful than all of the stars in the galaxy. You’re the one for me.” Those words had been nothing but true.

      “I—I can’t… this can’t continue. You don’t know what I’m really like inside… I’m so broken. I’m not some kind of miracle. You say you’re a glass? I won’t just fill you up—I’ll overflow. I’ll cause you to break, too. You’re too good. You’re so pure… so kind. You’re so sweet and amazing, Jonathan. I’m too much for you, and I mean that in the negative way. I mean that I’m too much of a wreck for you. You deserve someone who’s lovely and pretty and simple so you can be happy together and you can hold hands and read poems in the library together. You’re like a little boy and I’m like this... grumpy old man. You’re so innocent and I’m so… dark. I’m sorry.” You thought you knew what was best for me. You thought you knew what was right for me. You thought you knew what I wanted. But really, nobody knew what was best for me or what was right for me. That was part of life. Nobody was supposed to get what was best and right for them, or everything would be boring. What I wanted was you, though. And you wouldn’t accept that. Why? You could’ve just told me that you didn’t like me or had no feelings for me. Why’d you have to…

       I had broken down right then and there, with people giving me weird looks and thinking I was crazy.

       It never had to be like this, Kath. You could’ve told me how you felt, and I could’ve convinced you that it would be okay. And maybe we would’ve still been happy. But no. Life just had to be a bitch to me.

       Forever yours,

       Jonathan.