Maybe One Day

Chapter Thirty-Five: Combat Stress Reaction

Thanksgiving had come and gone, as well as many nightmares. Continuously Lew had shaken me awake in the middle of the night to hold me, calm me down, and let me talk about what was troubling me. With him I didn't at all feel pressured to speak because he too went through it, although I had a different relationship with death than he did. I decided that enough was enough and went to one of the doctors in our neighborhood who, I guess, specialized in combat veterans.

I was later diagnosed with Combat Fatigue and a stress disorder. I wasn't surprised. I could have given myself the same diagnosis, having seen many of my brothers leave the line with a 'severe case of trench foot', but in fact they were just tired.

I left the office later that day and soon met up with Lewis' mother. It was now the second week of December, Hanukkah had been celebrated and now I was helping her shop for family Christmas presents.

"How have you been doing lately? Lewis told me that you had applied to a few medical schools in the area."

"I could be better. I'm just glad the boys don't see me when I'm a mess." I replied, looking through a rack of clothing.

"I understand. How do you feeling about going to school?" she asked.

"I've spoken on the phone with most of the schools and they decided to let me test out of most classes because of my military experience and my service record. That could drastically speed up my time there. I hope to get into Rutgers University in New Jersey. With my GI Bill I have a full ride, completely paid for by Uncle Sam." I smiled.

"That's great! I hope you get into Rutgers as well. You're such a smart and capable young woman."

"Thank you, Mrs. Nixon." I smiled.

We continued to browse the racks of clothes inside the Macy's. I had found a few things I wanted for myself and was about to go try them on when the loudest series of bangs resounded through our area of the store. In that second, I was back in Bastogne. My instinct kicked in and I grabbed Mrs. Nixon's arm and pulled her to the ground with me, the clothes I had picked out long forgotten. My hands covered my head and ears and I was curled up in the fetal position.

"Take cover!" I kept saying. "Find your foxhole! Stay in your foxholes!"

My eyes were screwed shut and all I could see and hear were shells exploding and bright flashes of light. Shouts and screams for medics resounded in my ears but I was soon pulled from it by Mrs. Nixon.

"Meg? Sweetheart, it's okay. You're okay."

I opened my eyes and realized that I was still laying on the floor. Sales people that worked at Macy's looked on in horror at me. I made such a spectacle of myself. I stood shakily on my feet, gathered my clothes and quickly paid for them before getting in the back of the cab with Mrs. Nixon. All the way back to their place in Tribeca, I was a sobbing mess. I can't believe I had done that in public.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Nixon. I'm so sorry." I whimpered.

"It's okay, dear. It's okay, I promise. Lew will be at the apartment with his father when we get back. You'll be okay." she hushed, rubbing calming circles into my back while I cried into my hands.

Upon arriving I grabbed my back and trudged up the steps and through the door to the sitting room. I could hear Lewis speaking to his father in the little library next to me, but didn't go to them. Instead, I set my bags down on the coffee table and slumped back in an armchair. I was still crying and wiping my tears away when Lew came through and saw me sitting there.

"Meg? Jesus, are you okay? What happened?" he asked, rushing to my side and kneeling down in front of me.

I stayed silent for a little while until Mrs. Nixon handed me a cup of coffee. I sipped it gratefully, finally hushing my cries and meeting Lewis' eyes.

"What happened?" he whispered.

"W-We were in M-Macy's when I guess something fell or broke. I don't know what it was, but jesus... It sounded exactly like a mortar or a shell or something. Before I knew it, I grabbed your mama and dove for the floor. It was like I was back in Bastogne, Lew. All I could see and hear were cries for medics and explosions. God, I feel so stupid." I whimpered.

"It's okay, Meg. I promise. Things like that are a normal part of recovery. It's gonna take time to get better, but everything is going to be okay. I promise." he smiled softly.

***

December 17th, 1945 was one of the hardest days of my entire life. It had been a year since my mama passed away and I woke with an ache in my heart that day. I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed and I think Lewis knew that. He had taken the day off work to stay with me while the boys went to school. He knew I might not want to speak about her, but he was always in the same room as me. Just his presence was enough to make me feel better. I found myself in the attic looking through her clothes and other belongings. Upon finding a picture of her, I held it in my hands and looked down on her smiling face. It was the day I had graduated college. She was so proud.

"Oh, mama." I sniffled. "I love you always. Every day since your passing has been incredibly hard and painful. I no longer have your guidance. I can only hope I'm doing a good job raising the boys. I don't know what to do. A lot of days I feel trapped in my own head. I've woken up in the middle of the night with horrendous nightmares and I don't know which way is up. God bless Lewis. God bless him for always being there for me. He helps bring me back to earth when this happens. He grounds me, calms me down, and makes sure to take care of me. He's become an incredible father figure to Petr and Abraham and despite both of us having our struggles, our relationship is going well. He treats me very well, mama. I hope you're proud of me." I rambled on to mama's picture before placing it back in the trunk.

I sighed and went back downstairs to the sitting room and plopped down beside Lewis on the sofa.

"How are you doing?" he asked, kissing my forehead.

"I've been better. I just miss my mama terribly, Lewis." I frowned.

***

Snow on January 3rd and January 10th. Those were bad days.