Maybe One Day

Chapter Thirty-Four: "Why me?"

This nightmare of mine has ultimately become a night terror. With all the shells exploding all around me I feel as if I'm going to explode from the pain in my brain. I'm screaming and shouting out for someone... anyone to make it stop. I'm paralyzed and freezing, and now it's as if I'm back in Bastogne. The foxholes all around me are completely empty except for one.

Hoobler was laying crumpled up, ice cold, and pale. There was no life in his eyes, which was wrong. He had always been one of the cheery people of the bunch, always cracking jokes with me. Hoobler was one of the first guys I had been friends with in Toccoa.

"Dear god, Hoob. I'm so sorry."

As the last words left my mouth, Hoobler surged with life. He was coughing and sputtering and glaring at me with the most venomous stare. I shrunk back and tried hopping out of the foxhole but to no avail. He held me in place by my shoulders and shoved me against the dirt wall.

"You did this to me, Meg. If you had done your job I would be alive!" he shouted at me, moving his hands from my shoulders to my throat.

"I'm dead! It's all your fault!"

I blinked and again the scene changed again, this time to the day we lost Muck and Penkala. I was running towards them as fast as possible to try and get them away, but it was as if I was frozen in my spot and the more I ran towards them, they seemed to get dragged away from me. Everything seemed to go in slow motion when the shell hit. I was screaming for dear life for them to move and get out of there, but there was nothing I could do. Two of my brothers got blown up right before my eyes. Soon, Skip's face was before me and was screaming and shouting.

"You should have been in the foxhole with us! You should be DEAD. Why do you get to live when so many of us have died? You didn't do your job, Megan! I'm DEAD. I'll never get to see my family again!"

I was crying and sobbing for him to stop.

"Skip, god I'm so sorry. It's all my fault!" I hiccupped and sobbed.

***

"It's my fault! Please, stop!" I was crying in my sleep.

"Meg! Meg, wake up! Wake up!"

I shot up from my bed, breathing heavily. My throat was raw and hot tears were streaking down my face. My heart was still racing and I felt as if I was going to throw up. After seeing Hoobler all torn up, it was as if I could feel his blood running through my fingers again. I felt helpless and hopeless. I continued gasping for air and letting out choked sobs.

"Meg, it's alright. Everything is going to be okay." whispered Lew.

Lewis' arms snaked around my waist and held me tightly against his chest. With one hand he held me tightly and with the other he was running his fingers through my hair. In a few minutes I finally quieted down, but I was still holding onto Lewis for dear life.

"It's all my fault, Lew." I whispered so softly he almost couldn't hear me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

"Maybe one day... Well, I don't know." I replied, sniffling and rubbing my eyes. "Am I a bad person?" I asked.

"Not at all, Meg. You have the biggest heart out of all the people I know. You're selfless, kind, and compassionate. It's not your fault that they died."

"So Skip, Hoobler, Muck... They aren't mad at me? Julian ain't either?" I whimpered.

"They understand, Meg. They know how much you loved them and they understand. They're not mad at you one bit."

"Thanks, Lew. I'm sorry for waking you up."

I laid my head down on his chest and pulled the blankets up over us. Within a few seconds I was already asleep with Lewis' arms wrapped tightly around me. In his arms was one of my favourite places to be. I always felt safe and secure in them, as if nothing bad could ever happen to me when he was around.

"I love you, Meg."

***

The next morning was rather uneventful for me. I made breakfast for the boys and sent them off to school, Lew went off to work, and I was cleaning the house when the days mail arrived. I reached down to pick it off the floor from where it had been shoved through the slot in the door and noticed that there were a few letters from the boys in there. I smiled to myself and sat down at my desk to read them.

---

Dear Meg,

First of all I hope that everything is well with you and Lewis. I could tell how much you both loved and cared about each other. I hope your two little brothers are doing okay as well; You always talked about how much you loved your family. Things are going well with Kitty and I, and we hope to set a date for our wedding soon which I hope that you and Lew will both attend.

Onto a less happier subject, I find that sometimes I'm stuck in my own head. Some of my old neighbors ask me about things that we saw and did and I don't know what to say. How can I ever explain to them the horrors we saw? How can I explain the pure heartbreak to lose so many of our boys? I don't know. I know they mean well, but I just can't. How do you handle it? Even with shells and mortars exploding all around you, you never failed to keep a level head. You never lost your mind when doing your job. If something knocked you down, you got right back up and kept going. I admire you for that. I don't think I'd ever be able to do your job.

I also don't think I ever thanked you for taking care of me when I was wounded. What a great Christmas gift, am I right? Anyway, thank you. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be alive. I hope to hear from you soon, Meg.

Sincerely, Harry Welsh.

---

I thought long and hard over Harry's letter before I started writing back. He could tell right from the start, much like Luz, that Lew and I were meant for each other. On many occasions I talked to him about it and he'd become almost like an older brother. Regardless, I answered his question of How can I explain what I saw to them? in once sentence.

You don't have to tell them if you don't want to.

I continued reading through all the letters from the boys, smiling when I got to one from Bill Guarnere. He'd be returning home in the spring from the military hospital and was ever so excited to see his long time girlfriend again.

Without you I think a lot more of us would be laying dead in Bastogne. Thank you.

I smiled softly, tucking his letter back into the envelope and putting it in the drawer I kept everyone's letters in. Withdrawing the thick photo album from the very bottom, I flipped through all of the pages. It held all of the photos I had taken, my mama had taken, the ones gifted to my by Lewis from the army photographer, and countless newspaper clippings from during the war about me. I asked myself the question Why me? once more.

Why me? Why do I live when my brothers had to die?  So I can continue to take care of the rest of my family. I promised myself I would survive for my family and survive for the company and that I did. That I did.

To continue taking care of people I realized that now was my time. I was going to be a doctor.

I was going to apply for medical school.

A/N: Hello, everyone! It's been a hot minute since I last updated this book. Believe me, it wasn't because I didn't want to. The past three months have been extremely busy for me at work since I work in a tax prep office. Hopefully now my updates here will become fairly regular. Thank you so much for sticking with the story this long, and thank you all for your patience. Currahee!