Sad Girl Clapback *Now Available in Amazon*

goodbye.

Behind my ditzy Instagram stories oozing with giggles and glowing smiles, and positive affirmations that drip with savage resilience,

Behind my looks of unbothered yet focused dedication in any task,

and behind that unapologetic braggadocio I carry across my dolled-up face down to the everyday heels I wear,

These stunts only scratch the surface of what goes on in my head -

There is more to my life than superficial desires and materialistic things.

This stunting and flossing is not my 2018.

2018 was the year of my survival story;

it was the relapse of an illness that made me feel unimaginable pain until my body became numb.

It had me question if life was still worth living,

if overcoming tomorrow's struggles was enough to prepare me for a future that was dimly lit.

Everyone has a story where they almost didn't make it - an untold tragedy where a rock-bottom moment threw them off the boat and they were given a choice to swim or drown.

for some, that moment happened within split seconds,

for others, it was a slow, dreadful countdown of 'when' and watching someone's final days,

I'm still writing my survival story - these pages fill with the paper cuts of today;

I'm in the midst of my journey that is threaded through silent checkpoints;

each time I rise out of bed - it is a win,

each time I choose to live is a victorious fleeting second that puts me farther from the end that awaits,

But openly sharing my survival story has gotten easier -

I've received hundreds of messages from stranger's around the world that explain how my stories saved their lives,

how my stories are a place they come to on a bad day,

and how my online acts of vulnerability help silence the scary voices and stop their tears that come from aches that never feel like they'll ever go away.

I get asked why I share the most private parts of my life - on and off line:

When I had nothing to offer, being able to serve others through sharing my experiences has been the most self-fulfilling reward.

In fact, this year has tested my will to live more than ever,

I have new growing pains that prove I survived among the darkest nights alone where I murmured prayers for it to end;

the feelings of worthlessness,
not being enough,
ashamed of mistakes I've made,
crying to flush out the unsettling sickness in my stomach that I know will never completely leave.

From trying to explain it to people who don't understand...to sharing stories with people who have seen darker days, I discovered shifts of perspective are pivotal moments that have the power to sway someone's choice to live.

I've opened up to people where there was no digital screen to divide us,

where they only knew a certain side of me based off their own personal judgements,

and I chose to dissect those 'versions of me' and showed them parts they were missing.

I reached out to them with hope that they'd listen and hear my story. I didn't think I'd become that close with people who were once passing strangers but now I'm incredibly grateful we created lasting friendships.