My Bestfriend (Soyeon)

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I'm in love with my best friend.

I know, I know. It always happens like this. You meet and become friends. Then, best friends. And 50% of the time one of them catches feelings for the other. That would be me.

Soyeon was just a new kid here. Same like me.

I didn't have many friends and neither did she.

All it took was one shared math class and we instantly clicked. I always thought she was beautiful but also always knew she was straight. A gay instinct, maybe?

I have no idea but, I can almost always tell when someone is gay yet, whenever it comes to the girls I like, I go blank. I either mistook their signs of kindness for flirting or read into whatever they said too much and then I end up getting let down because the end game with them is always a guy. I can feel that happening again now.

As I watch Soyeon laughing with her soon-to-be boyfriend in the lunchline, I sit here alone, picking at my food at a loss of appetite.

Maybe this was how it's supposed to be.

Maybe I'm always going to end up loving someone who'll just run to a guy. Maybe they'll always choose them over me.

It's stupid I know, how could I be so self-centered? She's happy, isn't she? That's all that should matter then, shouldn't it?

Then why? Why does it hurt so much to look at her? To see her walking side by side with someone else, laughing at their jokes and not mine. Spending time with each other, as if I never even existed. Tell me why do I feel pain when I should just be happy for her?

They both sat down in front of me, I couldn't look up at them. I kept my eyes glued to the food in front of me. It wasn't until I heard her sweet voice calling for my attention that I finally looked up.

Her face was etched with concern and she asked me if I was feeling ok. My eyes looked over her and wandered down to her hands that were on the table. They were intertwined with his and I forced myself to look away while dryly swallowing. A pinch in my throat began and my chest started to feel tight. My eyes began to feel watery now and I abruptly stood up from the table making Seoyon jump.

"M-Mianhe..." I booked it out of there.

-

Another tear fell on the floor, getting soaked up by the same pool that had been collecting there for the past ten minutes.

All of this felt too convenient for me. My dog died this week too so, that didn't help with my emotional breakdowns either.

She doesn't know that he died. I wouldn't tell her. I couldn't bring myself to.

She loved my dog a lot already from the many times she came over to my house and I just couldn't bring myself to make her cry the way I did. I didn't want to have another breakdown, not in front of her at least.

Yet, here I am, tearing myself apart all on my own.

-

After school ended, I waited by the gates for Soyeon.

In all her glory, she walked towards me with her binder in her hands and smiling that thousand dollar smile. I couldn't help myself from smiling at her, it was more of an automatic reaction, that's how she made me feel like I could never get tired of smiling.

"Hey, are you ok? What happened at lunch?" I tensed up slightly at the question and took a few seconds before answering.

"Uhm I-I just forgot to call my Aunt, yeah I told her I would call her when I had free-time and since it was my free-time I just y' know..." She giggled when I trailed off.

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