A collection of one shots

When the shine on the penny wears off

We were new lovers.

"I can't ever get enough of you." he said, "When everything's going bad, I remember I have you and everything just seems a little bit better."

We loved without being in love. Maybe we were in love then but with our new status we couldn't admit it. Months pass and things change. I am no longer your escape.

We lay in bed with my arms wrapped around you.

"I don't want to live anymore" echoes in my ears. It makes me physically sick to think of you feeling that way. "The only time it gets better is when I'm skateboarding, but I have no time for that anymore." I tell him to make time. I tell him to do what benefits him no matter who it hurts or bothers. The back of my head tells me that I could be the one that hurts. That I'm no longer his escape and that he now can get enough of me and be done. I tell him to do what makes him happy anyway.

I roll over and stare at the wall. Thoughts flood my head. I've always been an over thinker. I've never figured out how to make my head silent. I'm terrified. I'm scared. I feel like I'm going to lose him. No, I know I'm going to lose him and I'm scared for when that day comes. It may not be soon but it will happen. I'm not ready for that day. I don't think I will ever be ready for that day.

He grabs my arm to turn me back around and wraps my arm around him. I squeeze him tight, trying not to get emotional about my thoughts. He has so much going on, I'm no longer one of those things that aren't complicated, why would I want to bring up more?

I wish I could read his mind. He's silent a lot and he just stares off. I ask what he's thinking and he says, "nothin'." I just want to know him and to know how his thoughts work. We're laying in silence and my brain won't stop talking. I wonder if he has the same problem.

We stay silent for quite some time then I notice his breathing leveling out. Now he's breathing slowly and his body is still. I wish I could be asleep like that. My brain won't stop talking to me though. Telling me about how he's going to leave, telling me how I should distance myself so I don't get hurt, telling me how that would hurt him instead. I can't listen to any of these thoughts.

Instead I squeeze him a little tighter and try to forget about it. My brain replaces them with thoughts of how my mental stability hasn't been great lately. My head reminds me of how I felt a few hours before when I couldn't eat because I knew I eat to much and I'd be fat. I remember my sister making fun of my weight and suddenly I have the willpower to skip this meal. I think about how I should tell him this and I should let him know what I'm feeling. However, with how much stress he has going on I couldn't possibly add more to it. Also, I'm no longer a nice escape. I'm complicated to him and I can't calm him down. Adding on to my problems list wouldn't help me at all when it comes to being his escape again. My brain is never quiet.

I fall asleep.