Find My Way Back To You

Chapter 26

--- PAST EMMA'S POV ---

It's another slow day at the station due to most crimes being related to magic in this town. In those cases, there's hardly ever anything to do for us. I mean it would be nice, if we could just put Gold into one of those two prison cells and all our problems would be fixed, but that's never going to happen. It would be a dream if it was that easy.

Maybe David should rebuild that weird cell Gold was trapped in back in...well fairytale land, I suppose. That might be the only way to get rid of him. Then, I'd only have to deal with Regina's tantrums since I can't get rid of her – I'd love to do so, but it would make Henry sad and he's my biggest priority. I'd never do anything to hurt him, even if it would make my life easier. I already knew that, when he was just the size of a peanut. I was always aware of the fact, that keeping him would be selfish. So, I gave him up for adoption, which hurt a lot since I never thought, I was ever going to be able to meet him.

But eventually I did meet him, and I couldn't be more grateful for it. That's why I never left Storybrooke – getting to spend to time with Henry, even if it would only be a second every other week, is worth having to live in this crazy small town.

Because for Henry, there's nothing I wouldn't do to make him happy.

Speaking of Henry, he should get home from school soon. He's probably going straight to the loft to hang out some more with Hope. He seems to like her a lot. I never knew, he could get so excited over a new sibling, but apparently, he still has a way to surprise me – just like baby Hope.

I never thought, that I ever wanted a kid again. But I obviously will in the future. And since her arrival, I've kind of thought about having another kid in the far future again. I blame her cuteness for it.

Actually, I should visit her now and give her the present – the little Swan plushie for my tiny Swan. I do miss her after all and there's no work to do here. David's so absorbed in his paperwork, that he won't notice I'm gone anway.

"I think I'll go now, okay?" I say and look at David.

"Ok." He says. I get up instantly, but David still has to be inquisitive. Why are both him and Mary Margret annoying like that? Can't they ever just give me space? "Where are you going? Do you need me to go with you?" He crosses his arms in front of his chest.

"No, David. I'm fine." With that I leave without ever giving him an explanation on my plans.

I know it's rude, but it's just what I'm used to. No one ever really cared about my whereabouts in the past, so now I just find it unnecessary for anyone to know where I'm going. It's nobody's business.

So, what if I'm planning to go to the loft, so I can give Hope her new toy? It's nothing that matters to David or includes him in any way.

I get to the loft in record time and when I walk in Mary Margret instantly gets noisy, too. They really are the perfect couple, I suppose. Always teaming up against me like this, which they probably aren't even trying to do, but it still feels a lot like it.

"Emma? You are back early. Is everything alright at the station? Why are you here?" she asks very quickly, not being able to await the answer.

"Everything's fine, Mary Margret." Her face falls a little like every time I call her Mary Margret. It's her name, right, so she should be okay with me calling her that.

I know she wants me to call her mom, but I just can't do that. I didn't have parents for 28 years. I always lived with the knowledge that my parents abandoned me, and they kind of did. Sure, it was for a good reason – to help the whole town and all that. Me being supposed to break the curse, but that doesn't change the fact, that I was all alone. With no one to love me for so long. They put everyone else before me, which might be a great quality for a leader, but it's an awful quality for a parent.

David isn't capable of looking at me without pitying me at the same time, which just kind of depresses me. I hate being pitied.

And Mary Margret kind of expects me to be okay with it and just get over it already because now the curse is broken. She just expects us to be a family – as if the last 28 years didn't happen. Like the didn't abandon me to help everyone else. But I can't do that.

I can't just forget all those years, that I was on my own – especially not in a matter of a few seconds like everyone expects me to. I'm not even sure, if I ever will.

I mean I probably will since my future self seems close to Mary Margret and David – she does call them mom and dad after all – but knowing it'll happen, doesn't really explain to me why I give them a second chance. As of right now I can't imagine to ever truly forgive them, so I really wonder how the hell I gave in.

I'd ask Emma about it, but to be honest I'm too scared to know the answer.

I don't want to feel pressured once Emma finds a way home to live towards certain things in my life. I suppose I won't since she'll find some forgetting potion, but who knows if that'll work out.

I just can't get my hopes up right now – or ever really. It'll just break my heart in the end. For me, hope usually leads to disappointment, which is weird since I'll apparently call my daughter after it. I must really be doing better than I ever was.

But still, deep down I doubt the future will remain the same, if I for some reason keep my memories. I know I'll mess it up. I always do. And it'll be my fault completely this time. I'll have nothing to keep my guilt away.

It's why I find it weird, that I'm supposed to be the Savior. Why does everyone expect me to save them, when I can't even save myself?

/////

Hi. I know this has been the first update in like forever and I can't promise, that the next will come any sooner. My inspiration right now is at an all time low, which you probably noticed in this chapter, too since it kind of doesn't serve any purpose.

I am really grateful for all your continued support though. I know I don't really talk about it often, but it means everything to me. I love you all.