Dangerous Love//Shawn Mendes

Chapter 42

My knocks echoed through the silent corridor, and I waited desperately for an answer, but there was nothing. Beginning to cry, I knocked again, harder this time. My mind frantically sifted through explanations; it must have been close to midnight, maybe he was asleep, maybe he was out, maybe he had a new girlfriend, maybe he didn't even live here anymore. My heart was pounding out of my chest as I waited, the seconds feeling like hours. I stared down at my fingertips, blue with cold, feeling my heart sink as I began to turn around.

Suddenly I heard footsteps approaching the door, and I held my breath and it swung open. Shawn stood at the door, shirtless and wearing a grey pair of tracksuit pants, his hair messy and his eyes bleary from sleep. I opened my mouth to speak, but I was so cold that I couldn't get the words out.

'Eleanor' He said, shock taking over his expression, and my heart skipped as I took him in for the first time in months. 'What are you doing here?' He said in confusion, almost involuntarily taking my hand and pulling me inside out of the cold corridor.

'Holy shit you're like ice.' He said as our hands touched, and he lifted them up to his mouth to breathe warm air onto them. Tears slid down my cheeks at his actions, my memory spiralling back to that very first date when he'd done the same thing.

'I-they k-k-kic-' I stammered, my teeth chattering too much to make words form. His eyes softened as he took in my state and my tears, gently rubbing his thumbs over my knuckles almost without meaning to.

'Here let's get you warmed up first.' He said, reaching for a sweater from the couch and handing it to me. 'Do you want a hot shower?' He offered and I nodded, more tears finding their way down my face. Seeing him was making my chest ache with longing.

I slipped into the bathroom and tugged the sweatshirt over my head, the freezing tiles making my numb feet even colder. My trembling and numb fingers fumbled with the buttons of my shirt, and I was still struggling with the first button when Shawn came in with towels.

'Here.' He said very quietly, before walking tentatively towards me. It was obvious that his guard was up, that I'd hurt him. There was a layer of stubble covering his cheeks and his eyes seemed sunken, tired. His fingers nimbly worked their way down my shirt, and his brown eyes never left mine as he tugged it off my body. There was so much emotion in the room, so much unsaid as his eyes poured into mine. The heartbreak between us was almost tangible. I shivered as his warm hands skimmed along my skin, even more goose bumps forming as he reached behind me and unclasped my bra, then the button on my jeans. My fingers were too numb, I understood why he was doing it, but that didn't stop my heart from jumping out of my chest. I was aching to kiss him, to touch him, to just be near him, to close the distance between our bodies. But instead he turned and padded out of the bathroom, and I was left alone to shower.

Although I made the water only lukewarm, it felt like it was burning my skin. I let my head fall back, the strong jets massaging my tired body. I took a few minutes to think about this, about why I was here, what I was hoping to achieve. But truthfully I didn't know, I didn't know what I would say to him, I didn't know if things could ever be the same, I didn't know if he would forgive me for what I'd said to him. One thing I couldn't deny was that I so desperately wanted him, all of him. I padded out of the bathroom to find a pair of tracksuit pants and a big sweater lying out on the bed for me. I tugged them on, wrapped the blanket around me and climbed into the familiar bed. It still felt like home, and it smelled of him. Shawn walked in holding two hot chocolates, and he handed me one before climbing into bed next to me. He turned towards me, waiting for me to speak, and I willed myself to say something.

'Jess is knocked up.' I said, my voice monotone. He looked at me, searching my expression.

'Are you serious?' He said, incredulity written on his face.

'It's ironic how this whole time they've been so worried about you using me, they couldn't even see it when their own daughter was being taken advantage of.' I said distantly, my eyes focussed on the wall on the other side of the room. I was afraid of what I might do if I looked at him.

'Why did they kick you out?' He questioned, his brow furrowing in confusion.

'They think I was the one that influenced her to do something like that. And maybe I was, I mean she never would have done it before she met me.' I said flatly, there was no point trying to excuse my own role in it all.

'Listen it's not your fault-none of this is. How did you get here?' He said with even more concern.

'I walked. It took 2 hours. They wouldn't even let me get any of my things.' He placed his hand on my knee lightly, trying to bring me back out of my distant train of thought.

'Are you okay?' He whispered, squeezing my knee softly. I finally let myself look at him, but I refused to let the wall of emotions down.

'I'm numb Shawn. I'm drained, empty.' I had gotten so good at concealing my emotions while living with Jess and her family that I'd forgotten how to feel things properly.

'Eleanor, you don't have to hold it together anymore. I'm here.' He said sincerely, and I felt my face crumple as I let myself really cry.

'Why does everything always fall apart?' I sobbed quietly as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. It felt like I could finally breathe again with his arms around me, an indescribable sense of peace.

'It's okay.' He whispered into my hair as he pulled me into him and held me, but I just shook my head, silent sobs escaping my mouth.

'It wasn't true Shawn, it wasn't true what I said to you. I thought if I told you-if I pretended that I didn't love you, that you'd be able to move on and you'd be safe from the charges and from all the threats, but now I'm putting you in danger just by being here and I know this is selfish but it's fucking killing me to be away from you and I just can't do it anymore.' I sobbed violently, a spiel of tear-filled confessions. I finished, out of breath, and looked up to see that he was almost smiling, his eyes light.

'Then don't.' He said softly.

'It's not that easy Shawn, we can't just ignore-' I tried to argue.

'Be with me.' He said simply, cutting off my sentence.

'But its so unfair on you Shawn, you deserve so much more than this, the running and hiding and all the goodbyes.' It made me sad to think about how much I wanted this to work, the way my heart was screaming for him. His features went still as he lightly stroked his thumb along my cheek, brushing away my tears.

'Eleanor I have spent every day and every night for the past three months trying to make myself stop feeling this way about you, but I can't. I can't stop because every time I look at you I feel the same way I did that first time, and because every day that I'm with you you make me a better person, and because despite everything that's happened you're still the person I want to love for the rest of my life. Baby I can't give up on us, so please, just be with me.' His eyes searched mine, begging me.

'Okay.' I barely whispered, afraid to let myself hope that this could really work. My breath caught in my throat as he leant closer to me and pressed his lips to mine, pure relief as my lips parted and his tongue slid into my mouth, each of us smiling into the kiss.