Dangerous Love//Shawn Mendes

Chapter 9

School passed quickly, idle tasks filling up the time until the final bell rang. I gave Will a warm smile from across the table, trying to ease any leftover tension between us after yesterday. He raised the corner of his mouth in acknowledgement, but there was some distance between us. I wouldn't have expected anything else, but I hoped he could move past it soon. I felt selfish choosing Shawn over him, but I also knew that I was happier with Shawn than I ever could have been with Will, due in part to the fact that Will and I had been friends too long for it to be something more.

I shoved my books into my bag and brusquely walked out of the school gates, wanting to get to dancing early so that the dressing rooms were free and also so that I would be able to see Shawn without others around to speculate. I pulled out my phone and typed a message.

'See you at the studio? x' I shoved the device back in my pocket and refused to check it for a reply until I had reached dancing. A part of me feared that we would slip back into what we were before, and that Shawn would be distant towards me when he didn't have his tongue down my throat, but I couldn't let myself succumb to the voice in my head. I had given him a second chance, and I had to trust that he would use it wisely.

I had to stop myself from walking faster just to get there at the prospect of seeing him. But at the same time, the closer I got, the more knots my stomach tied itself in and the harder my heart pounded. Being with Shawn made me so nervous, perhaps because I was so new to all of this, or maybe just because I liked him so much. Either way, by the time I reached the studio my palms were sweating.

Aware of the time, I headed straight to the change rooms and quickly peeled off my uniform and dressed myself, again thankful that the room was empty. Before the incident a few weeks ago, I had never once doubted my own body, but now I even found myself wondering if Shawn would be disappointed if he saw how small my chest was, how slender and angular my body was under my uniform. Obviously things between us were still fresh and I was certainly not one to dive into things too quickly, but when my mind did wonder to...that, I found myself scared of how he would feel about my body.

When I walked back out into the foyer, my stomach aflutter, I found the foyer packed with girls, and my eyes searched for Shawn's head above the crowd. I sank a little when I realised that he wasn't there.

Throughout class, I couldn't help but wonder where he was. I knew I was overanalysing this, but my mind and my anxiety kept telling me that he was avoiding me. I hadn't heard from him last night after he left, and he had never responded to my text about coming today.

He was probably busy and besides, I wasn't even sure what this thing between us was, so he didn't have to tell me everything he did. Was he my boyfriend? Admittedly, I wanted him to be, but I was still so confused as to what he wanted. I figured I should talk to him about it and clarify some of the details. The thought scared me, because there were so many 'what ifs'. What if he didn't feel the same way about me? What if all he wanted was to hook up? Would I have been okay with that kind of arrangement? I never would have expected this of myself, but at the same time, if Shawn did want different things to me, I was still not sure I could easily give it up. I'd had a taste of what it was like to be with him, and it was too good to let go, I finally admitted to myself.

After a good class with bouts of praise from Mrs Jones, I headed home. When I got in the door I made a beeline for the kitchen in search of food.

'Eleanor is that you?' I heard my mom say from somewhere in the house. 'Yeah I'm here, mom.' I projected back, trying to see where her voice was coming from.

'Could you come in here for a second, I need to talk to you.' She said and I followed her voice to the living room.

'What's up?' I said, my apprehension growing as I observed her stiff posture. She cleared her throat, prompting me to sit down next to her on the couch.