Dangerous Love//Shawn Mendes

Chapter 13

Shawn's voice echoed so loudly through the foyer that I was certain the entire building had just heard it. And before I even had time to process anything he had stood up and was stalking out the front door.

Did he really just say that? Surely I must have misheard it. There was no way that he could have meant it, not after everything that had happened. But if he didn't have feelings for me, why wouldn't he have just left me alone after the other day. None of this made any sense, and I found myself even more confused, because now the ball was in my court and he was gone. Not only that but I had to confront the fact that I still had feelings for him, and they only seemed to be getting stronger despite the way he had treated me and the fact that he was 5 years older than me. 5 years older, it just sounded so wrong.

I had never really been clear on the whole love thing. What was it? How did you know you were falling in love? Did it just suddenly hit you? All I knew was that Shawn had told me he was falling in love with me, and all I had wanted to do was say it back. It had only been a month, and half of that time was spent going from hot to cold. How could he possibly have felt that way? Did I feel the same? How would I know if I did?

I needed to stop. All these questions, as confusing as they were, were pointless. Shawn and I couldn't be together, regardless of how we might have felt, and so I wished he had never told me what he did today, any of it. Maybe I would rather have walked around thinking that he hated me than know that he had feelings for me and not be able to be with him. And maybe this was what he had been trying to avoid by shutting me out the way he did. Because if he hadn't, he would have felt exactly the way I did right now.

An echo of chatter filled the foyer as the girls spilled out of the studio and I was petrified that they had all heard my conversation with Shawn. I quickly swiped at my eyes, hoping their redness didn't give me away, but none of them even payed enough attention to me to notice anyway.

When the crowd had dispersed slightly my mother strode out of the studio, almost menacing in her stature. Great, more drama to deal with; as if there hadn't already been enough today. When she reached me, I expected her to inspect the swelling, perhaps even ask how much it hurt if she was feeling extra nice. But instead she turned straight to me.

'Oh pull yourself together Eleanor, if you're going to cry every time you get an injury your career won't last very long.' The foyer had fallen silent and everyone looked on, some even giggling behind their hands.

'Sorry, I was just...' I trailed off, not wanting to make any of it worse.

'Get your things, we'll talk about this when we get home.' My mother said, her tone icy as she held a hand out for me to pass my bag to her. I limped my way out to the car and collapsed back against the seat, furiously wiping my eyes before my mother got another chance to pick at me. She climbed into the drivers seat with a huff.

'Well this is just great isn't it. Lucy puts you at the front of every one of her routines and then you go and get injured 5 days before the show. If you had have-' I couldn't listen to this right now. My mother's so-called 'pep talks' were hard enough to take usually, but right now it was too much.

'Mom, I know its bad but can we just please not do this right now.' I said meekly, trying to dismiss any criticism she was about to hurl at me. My words were broken up by small stifled sobs and I tried my hardest to hold them in but it was no use. My mother looked over at me, and this was the part where she tried and failed to be even remotely maternal.

'I suppose they'll find someone to replace you, I'm just disappointed you've missed an opportunity to dance the lead.' She attempted to sooth, backtracking after realising that I was upset. But I knew she was disappointed in me, and that just made me feel worse. All I wanted was to make her proud but I could never impress her, and that on top of what had happened today with Shawn was just too much right now.

'I'm sorry I disappointed you mom but can you please just leave me alone.' My tears were still falling and everything she said just made it worse.

'I suppose they can make room for you somewhere in the corps section, provided the swelling has gone down. I'll talk to Lucy and-' she continued, as if she didn't even hear me when I said I needed her to stop.

'For God's sake Mom I don't care about the stupid ballet concert!' I said, even though I knew it would just make her angrier. It wasn't completely true, I was upset that I wouldn't make the concert, but we had one every term and there would be plenty of others.

'You-you don't care? Eleanor what has gotten into you? You used to live and breathe ballet and now you won't take your training seriously. Do you even want to make it as a professional?' My mother said, exasperated as she turned the car into our street. Now she was blowing it way out of proportion.

'Of course I do, its just so much pressure and I'm still young. Ever since I could walk I've spent every spare moment in the studio and I just- I have other things on my mind right now. Is it so wrong that I just want the chance to be a normal teenager sometimes?' Instead of unbuckling her seatbelt, my mother turned to me.

'This is about some boy isn't it? Whoever it is, you're going to break it off right now, and I mean it Eleanor I'm not going to let you throw it all away and ruin everything.' She was not serious. She didn't even have any proof of a relationship and she was accusing me of jeopardising my future.

'What, like you did?' I spat back as we climbed out of the car and I slammed the door. My mother was young when she had me at just 25, and she had to give up her career to take care of me. I knew it was cruel to throw it back on her now and that I should have been grateful, but the only reason she was so protective was because she didn't want me making the same mistake. But I was still young, and I needed to be able to make mistakes in my life without living under constant pressure.

'This is not about me young lady; this is about your immaturity and clouded judgement. I don't know what's been going on with you lately but it's going to stop right now.' At this, she stormed off into the house and left me to limp my way in. When I made it through the door I headed straight to my room, using the hand-rail to support me as I hopped.

Alone in my room, I did my best to make sense of it all. The idea of trying to get back together with Shawn felt so wrong in my mind, and yet I couldn't stop thinking about it. There was a voice in my head telling me he didn't want me, but there was an even louder voice reminding me of how much I wanted him. On paper, it was absurd to even entertain the thought of him and I, but surely it couldn't hurt to think about. And so I let myself become lost in it for just a moment, to engross myself in what we could be-could have been. Of kissing in the rain and taking long road trips and knowing what it's like to be in love. And as the images passed through my mind like a flipbook I felt those butterflies overcome my body. And somehow I knew I was falling for him. Key word: falling. Meaning I had to find a way to stop before I hit the ground.

And so as much as it hurt, I resolved that I had to put it all out of my mind, that the only way to stop having these feelings was to forget everything he had said today. Everything we had been, what we could have gone on to be, did not matter. I did not care.