Dangerous Love//Shawn Mendes

Chapter 54

We found our seats in the tiny plane and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to make the room stop spinning. I was really beginning to panic, feeling claustrophobic, trapped and isolated. I looked around at the strangers taking their seats, and at the man next to me who I now felt like I barely knew at all.

I felt as though I was suffocating as the plane began to roll down the runway, and I quietly whimpered as I gripped the armrests of my seat.

'Take my hand.' He whispered, noticing my anxious state, and I hesitated as he held it out to me. I was taken back to the very first time I'd met him, when I'd had my first panic attack and he'd held his hand out to me in his car, just as he was doing now.

'Please.' He said softly, and feeling myself spiralling away, I entwined my fingers in his and squeezed, feeling his firm grip squeeze back. It was familiar, comforting despite everything.

'Shawn.' I said in panic as I lost my breath, the plane lifting off into the air. The room was still spinning and I couldn't feel my feet. I was beginning to feel the full brunt of the panic attack, trapped and fearful. He turned towards me, his thumb tracing along the back of my hand.

'Look at me, I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, I promise.' It was so hard to believe him, but somehow his words helped to soothe me. He always had known just what to say to calm me down.

'It's okay, just breathe.' He said, giving my hand a squeeze, and I nodded as one more tear fell down my cheek. As I began to calm down, I almost flinched away from his hand, realising that I was still holding it.

A few hours later we had made it home, and we headed out to baggage claim together, neither of us speaking. He pulled both suitcases off the conveyor belt and handed one to me. Unsure what to do or say to him, I began walking away.

'Eleanor wait.' He called after me, motioning for us to move somewhere less crowded. Part of me didn't want to do this, to really say goodbye to him; it would hurt too much for me to take. As we found a quieter place, I allowed myself to look into his eyes, which were glazed with tears.

'Look I know it's over, but I wanted to thank you for-' He paused, forcing back his tears and swallowing hard. He looked down for a second, and then back at me, his eyes intense.

'For giving me the best year of my life, falling in love with you was the best thing I ever did, and-and hurting you is something that I'll never forgive myself for.' He paused to breathe, tears falling from his eyes and mine.

'You showed me hope when I thought there was none, you saved me.' He said, a small sob escaping my mouth at his words. Almost instinctively, he brought his hands up to wipe the tears from my cheeks, his hand lingering against my skin. With his hands on my cheeks, he pressed his forehead to mine, and we just looked at each other, silently saying goodbye. Despite myself, I leant forward and pressed my lips to his one last time, our tongues lightly dancing. I tried to take in everything, the way it felt to kiss him, the way he moved, the way his hands cupped my cheeks, the way we both cried silently as we pulled away.

'I'm sorry.' He said, looking intently at me, for the last time.

'I know.' I whispered, forcing myself to turn away and walk towards the doors, not daring to look back.

As soon as I turned around I felt myself break, falling apart into tears. I couldn't hold it together anymore, because he had truly just walked out of my life for the last time, and I would never see him again. I was mourning the life we could have had together, the hopes and dreams I'd had for us. I had thought we would get married some day, have children and grow old together, never falling out of love; how naïve I had been.

I watched Will's face fall as I found him through the crowd, taking in my tears and puffy eyes. As I approached him, he opened his arms, and I threw mine around his neck as I reached him, his tall frame lifting me off the ground.

'It's over.' I said softly, and he held me closer, shaking his head as my tears dripped onto his t-shirt.

'I'm so sorry.' He said, appearing sincere. It didn't matter to me anymore if he meant it or not; he'd been right about everything.

'Is it ok if I stay at your place until I find an apartment?' I queried, hoping this wasn't too much to ask of him given the turbulence of our friendship over the past year.

'Of course you can, anything you need.' I thanked him as we walked to his car, feeling grateful that he was here, that despite the way I had treated him, and the fact that I had chosen Shawn over him so many times, he was here.

I couldn't speak on the ride home, I couldn't bring myself to voice what had happened, and so I sat quietly and stared out the window, sobbing softly. I saw Will glance over at me out of the corner of his eye, setting his jaw as he looked at the mess Shawn had made of me, but he said nothing.

He pulled up at the house and looked over at me, sighing quietly.

'I hate seeing you like this, you know.' He said, and I tried furiously to wipe at the tears in my eyes, to just make them stop for once.

'I'm fine I'm just...' I tried to say, but I couldn't even make the words form.

'No you're not.' He said, and he wrapped his arms around me over the glove box as my body trembled with sobs. It was comforting to have a shoulder to cry on, it made me feel as though things might just be okay.

We headed inside and Will opened his bedroom door for me, gesturing for me to sit down at the head of the bed next to him. Still recovering from the shock of seeing my old house across the street, I stared at my hands in my lap, making no move to speak.

'Do you want to talk about it?' He pressed lightly, wrapping his arm around my shoulder for me to rest my head on him.

'I can't, I just-I can't say it.' I shook my head, blinking quickly to clear my vision of moisture.

'Eleanor-you can trust me. Nothing's so bad that you can't tell me, okay? I just want to be here for you.' He said, his fingertips lightly rubbing the skin of my arm.

I shook my head, knowing that he was wrong. He would never have been expecting something like this, something this awful. I couldn't make myself say it.

'Will?' I whispered softly. He turned his head to look at me, his face inches from mine and his blue eyes searching mine.

'I should have listened to you. I'm sorry.' I said, our eyes locked. I found myself transfixed, unable to move or look away as his gaze pierced mine. Will opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. I had no idea what was happening, but I wanted to feel something, something other than heartbreak, for once.