Trigger Warning: A Phanfic

34

Dan's POV-

I knew that if I were to ask Phil about what was happening that he would become angry with me, just as he had before. I was so afraid of losing him and what we had. For once in the time that I've known him, everything seemed right. 

But I knew that if I tried to help, if I tried to get Phil help, that he would lose trust in me. 

I tried to ignore it but it was so hard. As the days went on Phil's small frame became smaller. He became paler than he had ever been. His eyes seemed to sink into his head, circles darkened under his lifeless skin. He seemed so frail. 

If I tried to touch him I felt like he might break. If I wrapped my arms around him I could feel his boney back and ribs. I was so afraid to do anything with him, I didn't know if I could hurt him or not. It was terrifying. 

I started staying home more because I was afraid that something might happen while I was away. Checking in with a text message suddenly seemed like it wasn't enough. I explained to Jane that I needed to take some personal time and she stopped scheduling and booking events until further notice. 

As he became thinner, his temper seemed to do the same. He seemed to snap at me for simple things. When I told him that I was taking a break from working with the charity he had become angry with me. I hadn't told him that he was the reason that I had decided to stop working, but he had convinced himself that he was. And while it was true, I wasn't going to tell him that. Instead of being honest with him I made up a logical story. I had been working a lot in the past months and I told him that I was feeling burnt out and taking time off for myself. 

There was one night when we were sitting at dinner. Phil was shuffling his food around on the plate, occasionally scooping his vegetables on his fork and pretending as if he were going to take a bite, but interrupting himself by asking me a question or telling me something he had seen online. In the past weeks I had noticed his eating habits. He would take one or two small bites of his food and chug down a glass of water. After that he would fall into his "distraction method" as I seemed to call it, where he would try to trick me into thinking that he was fine. But this one night in particular I seemed to be more angry than usual. 

"God, can't you just actually eat your fucking food?" I said rather harshly and out of the blue. My fork made a loud noise as it fell and hit the ceramic plate. Phil's body jumped and his small face turned paler than I ever thought possible. He pulled at the sleeves of his jumper. The shirt seemed to swallow him, concealing his ever so boney body. The only parts visible were his hollowed out face and his nimble little fingers. He looked like a dead man walking and it horrified me. 

I should have gotten him help sooner. 

"What?" Phil said, his voice was quiet. 

"You aren't eating. You haven't been eating." I said, trying to calm my voice. Even so, I still came across as angry. I looked at Phil's hands, which were now crossed around his skinny little chest. His whole body twitched in nervousness. 

Suddenly I had found myself crying. I felt my face turn hot, and I assumed that it was red. Tears began to stream down my face and dripped onto the collar of my shirt and neck. I tried to wipe away my tears but they only kept coming back. 

"I love you, don't you know that?" I said, my voice shaking, embarrassed that I was crying in front of Phil. I set my head on the edge of the table and rest the palm of my hands against the back of my neck. My head was spinning. I so badly wanted to scream and yell at Phil for what he was doing. And at the exact same time I wanted to press him against me and tell him everything that I loved about him. 

I don't think I had to explain what I was meaning to Phil because he immediately began crying too. 

"I'm sorry, Dan. I'm so fucking sorry." Phil was practically yelling at me. 

My whole body felt heavy. 

"You need help." I said to him. I lifted my head and looked at a face that i'll never forget, a face I wish I had never seen.