Trigger Warning: A Phanfic

8

Dan

Holy shit. I just realized what I said.

I looked Phil in the eyes, still clinging onto his arm, trying to read his emotions. I thought that in some way that he might think it was just a word of encouragement. His mouth curved into a small smile before he leaned his head onto my shoulder.

For the first time in hours I watched as his shoulders relaxed and his muscles no longer looked tense. He let out a sigh and bit his lip before looking me in the eyes again. I tried to understand what might be going on in his head.

Phil

I looked into Dan's eyes and suddenly felt at ease. I felt by whole body go easy and it seemed to drain from the massive anxiety that had built up just moments before. Dan sat next to me, he looked almost stunned and worried but at this moment I felt like this was my only chance to talk openly.

"You'll think I'm crazy," I started.

"No, Phil, I won't. I swear I'm here for you."

"There's..well I uh-" I cleared my throat "thoughts, bad ones. Dan, there are times when I feel perfectly fine. I was fine when we did the liveshow the other night, I felt myself." I said, biting my lip as I was thinking about what to say next.

"But then there are times when I'll wake up and I feel..not me. And the thoughts.."

"What are they?" Dan asked me.

My heart began to race again but I was doing my best to push through and talk about it.

Shut up. Stop it.

"Well- I uh..."

"It's okay, Phil. I won't tell anyone. You're all right." He rubbed my arm with his thumb.

"Okay..well it's- I deserve to hurt..I-I should be hurting myself- or I should kill myself...because I'm..I'm not good enough..I'm-"

And what I said next caused a flood of coughs and tears to come out. I couldn't breathe.

"I want to die."

~