..my only escape.. (COMPLETED)

CHAPTER 21

 It was the next morning and I woke up earlier than usual. It was BTS' day off today and most of them chose to sleep in. I left Jungkook in the hotel room alone leaving him a note that I took off to walk in the city and explore Seoul more. The elevator doors opened and it was Jesse, the girlfriend. This reminded me of all the dirty things he did with her and made me think of the things he did in the past like letting me sleep outside, telling her about my past and breaking my heart entirely.

"Me and the manager need to talk to you," she said pulling me out of the elevator. What did she mean by 'talk'. I was dragged out of the elevator in front of the manager and her with both of them crossing their arms.

"Break up with Jungkook," the manager said looking at me straight in the eyes. This made my heart break in a million pieces. I wanted to cry my eyes out but I kept it all in. I kept in all the pain that all of sudden entered my body and stabbed my heart a thousand times.

"Wae?" I said stuttering at him. He still gave me a serious look and a bit of concerned one. He went on explaining his reasons and claims.

"He's been skipping practice 3 times since we hired you. I also know that he's been sneaking you in the recording studio and has been distracted multiple times. Lastly, he broke up with his girlfriend, so you're not needed anymore as a distraction couple," he said quickly listing. 'His girlfriend' That's right, I was here at the start with the job because of the contract I signed at the plane, 'After this is all over, you will return to your normal life and won't have anything to do with Jungkook, meaning you won't be allowed to 'date' him anymore'. I wasn't allowed to date him anymore. I wasn't allowed to do anything with him. I wasn't allowed to love him anymore. I wanted to be selfish for once in my life. "So I'm asking you...wait no I'm demanding you as written in the contract to cut ties with Jungkook and the rest of the band. In exchange I'll give you your reward," he said and handed me a suitcase which I assumed was money. I wasn't going to allow myself to take 'dirty' money. I just can't believe my world is about to be crumbling down before me again. I wasn't even allowed to see my best friend, Jimin. This decision I was going to make was going to change my life, death is better than this. I knew that even if this was going to hurt Jungkook and me I had to do this for his career.

"I don't need your money," I said and walked away. Before I could leave the building and was supposedly going to explore the city the manager had one last statement.

"Make sure you do it before tom! Cut all ties with even Jimin," the manager called out. With that last statement, tears ran across my face. Everything good in my life was about to be taken away from me just with a command. What was I thinking? Why did I think that taking this 'job' was going to be for the best? Taking this job was the worst thing to ever happened. Loving Jungkook was... I don't know. I don't want to say it was a regret but I don't want to say that it was the best decision. I should have just left when I had the chance. Nothing good ever lasts.

***

It's around sunset time where I was walking on the sidewalk of the bridge as cars kept passing. The water on the bottom kept splashing endlessly as rain started to pour. The rain dripped down on my my head to my neck and then my back. Tears and rain drops ran across my face from the words of what the manager said repeated over and over again 'Cut ties with Jungkook'. 'Make sure you do it before tom!'. 'Cut all ties with even Jimin.' This was the hardest thing I had to do in my life. I finally experience love from Jungkook and my bestfriend, Jimin and then all of a sudden it gets ripped away from me like my heart is right now.

"Hee-young-ah!" I heard Jungkook calling out. I stopped walking and just stood there for some reason. All I wanted was to be alone with my thoughts but for some reason when I heard his voice, I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to hug me, I wanted him to protect me, I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted him. I cried again to myself for what I was about to do to him. I remember all the things I said to hurt him, I said I never loved him, I've pushed him away many times. I felt hands on my shoulders turning me around to face him. "Why did you run? I was so worried. Are you ok?" he said holding my face with both his hands. "Why are you crying?" he said wiping my tears from my eyes with his own thumbs.

"Why do you love me? Why do you bother chasing a person who is complicated? A person who never makes up her mind? A person who's hurt you?" I said gulping my endless sorrows away. If I was going to break up with him I needed to be harsh so he would focus on hating me instead of hurting himself.

"Don't ever ask me why I love you. You changed me to a better person, you reminded me what's it like to have fun, remember?" he said smiling at me. He was talking about when we he met me on the streets. He used to be a serious guy, who never gave his work a rest but I apparently changed him.

"Well I don't feel the same way," I said closing my eyes. It was hard enough saying it but with my eyes locked with his and saying it, it was impossible. I opened my eyes and tears fell as I kept my face serious without a hint that I was in pain.

"What do you mean?," he said holding both my hands. The rain started to get stronger leaving a stabbing feeling on my body or was that my heart being stabbed? My hands started to shake and I removed my fingers from his pushing him away.

"Jungkook, I used you. I used you for your money, and your fame. Don't you get it? I hate you! I hate how you treated me that way in 'the red carpet'! I hated that you left me in the ground while I was being abused by your manager! I hated that you didn't care until I almost died! I hated that you completely forgot about me when I was left alone in the streets with no hope left. You were the only person that...that at that time caught me when I was at the edge of deciding if I wanted to kill myself. I hated that you didn't leave me to die! I hate you! I don't want to ever be loved by a monster like yourself! So just—," I said as my heart was breaking in a million pieces. I couldn't handle saying this to him. I couldn't handle hurting him, so I tried to make him hate me.

"Hee-young-ah I can handle being hated. I can't handle losing you," he said holding my face as tears were falling on both our faces. This was worse than leaving Jimin, this was worse than my last breakup with Tae, this was worse then when I had to live in the streets because of my abusive foster parents, this was worse than drowning.

"Well that's just it...you lost me since you told me you love me. I was right about what I said in the beach, I never loved you," I said turning away from him. I didn't think I could say that to him, but I did. I said the very thing that could drive myself to my death but I did it anyways. Why couldn't I be selfish for once? Why couldn't I choose me? Why can't I be happy? Why? As I was about to take a step away from him I was pulled to his embrace. I was pulled to the very thing I wanted so much. My tears were falling from my face and on his soaked shirt from the rain.

"Please don't do this, Hee-young-ah! Saranghae," he said genuinely. With his last statement, 'saranghae' my heart ached. "I will always love you," he said as his voice started to crack up. I was assuming he was crying as well. This was not what was supposed to happen. He was supposed to turn away, walk away, hate me and forget. What am I supposed to say to make him hate me?

"Can you stop?! Can you stop pretending that you love me! Let's face it Jungkook. Let's actually face it, if you loved me why did you make me hurt? If you really loved me, you wouldn't be my source of pain but my shield. So please stop! Stop playing around! Focus on what's important and that's making your fans happy. Not everyone in the world has that opportunity!" I said pulling away from his hug, "Don't bother following me around! This is it! This is our goodbye!"

"Do you want me to throw my career away for you? Because, Hee-young I will." he said looking at my eyes.

"Hajima! Just forget about me! Just hate me! Why is it so hard?!" I said punching him in the chest while sobbing, "Just get it in your mind, I'm breaking up with you." 'I'm breaking up with you,' I looked at him as I said that. That was the last glance I took of him.