The way my life is

I hate this

(Play music while reading this, I hear its calming 
Or don't)

I'm crying while  writing this

I give up on a toxic relationship...

So you you know how the person always comes back because of the love they have for the other person and the other person comes back too. After awhile the other person goes away and the person chases after them, it can ruin the persons  mental health.The both ended up together no matter how painful it is to the person after so many chances so the other person just goes away every time.

It was always like that with me and my dad, except I'm the person to chase after my dad,the relationship between a father and a daughter. In the previous chapters I had told you that my dad would finally be a part of my life, yet it didn't work out.

I tried giving him a chance, he treats me like I'm nothing?!

Long time a ago I felt really sick, I was with him. I told my stepmother to please leave me alone crying in pain, she kept on worrying about me and my dad got anger. As always he just does really focus on me, I was so anger I had to call my mom to pick me up.

I told them I had bad anxiety, they didn't  believe me. They think I'm doing it for more attention which completely shattered my entire body, I kept on telling them it's not. They don't believe me, I even told them what the doctors said and my mom told them. They don't believe me!! I was depressed so much because of the words " you just want more attention"

I couldn't talk back because I would make things worse for them. 

A few weeks later my dad didn't bother texting me or calling me if I was ok. I had to break up the drama since I'm sick of it and I wanted to see him no matter how painful it was. His words made me miserable!

" are gonna be ok because we are going to the beach or you gonna flip out"

He made me infuriated

" no dad you didn't bother telling me a yes or a no going to your place or are you not gonna believe me" I texted

Later I opened myself up to him, I had enough so I replying:

You've made me so fricking mad dad
Stop reminding about it
Stop making me feel worthless
Stop making me feel like I'm nothing
Stop making me feel depressed
Stop making me feel a knife stuck in my chest
Words are deeper cuts than knives

That was it

I'm in pain, I'm crying, I feel sad, I feel nothing for him....

He replied with stop being a drama queen

This is why I don't open myself up to him!

Because he doesn't  listen,understand, or believe me and it hurts so much so so much.

I texted him saying " fine I'll just keep my mouth shut"

I cried
And I'm still crying
Like now writing this chapter at 2:17 am

I told my mom and she said " I give him so many chances, it was time to let go of a toxic relationship

I didn't care but my mind is hurting.

There's a day where my dad has to go to court because of child support. My mom said if he doesn't mention more visiting days  she won't let me go.

That made me feel sad but happy because I finally need to let go

He doesn't care about me
Or my feelings

It hurts so bad

I wanna disappear

I haven't really texted anyone that much

I can't because I'm a little scared of people now and I don't know why

I scared of words than knives

I'm scared of going again to a problem like this

I'm crying still because it hurts

I'm scared of meeting new people or contacting them.

I wanna go away and scream

I'm in pain so much pain

I HATE THIS!!

My mind has made a bloodshed of thoughts since half of my hope is gone

I don't know what to do

I'll just cry it out more and more

Until I feel nothing for this

I'm sorry if I made you feel sad or depressed

I feel emotions again and they're terrible

I'm so sorry... it's just that I had to write it down to make me feel better

But it didn't

And now I don't know what to do