The way my life is

Happyiness & Cuts

Cuting is a problem I have...

I want to stop ,but I can't from all my pain it has driven me into madness. My emotional pain is like a hell in my mind just waiting to burst out loud and to scream all my pain that comes inside my body. I'm not good with emotions sometimes because at school I look dead meaning I don't show emotion to a person or at myself , it's very very unusual to people. When something happy goes on with my family I look miserably to anything they look at like ,I remember one time we were at this park that had circus performers doing their acts and my family were happy expect for me. The only thing I enjoyed was the music ,but my lil sister had the time of her life including my family alongside me hiding in the dark so no one can notice me.

There was this one time were we went to this pumpkin patch were the little kids played around way too much. I hated it from the corn mazes that made me dizzy to the big wagon people got on as ride , I was such a pessimist now I'm somewhat of a pessimist. My mom was so worried ABOUT why I didn't look happy even my grandparents who lectured me a lot about "try to be more happy" or "is anything wrong with you" , they could tell by me face that I look so depressed with life. "I had to stop this mess", I kept saying it over in my head like some sort of sicko wanting to escape her asylum, but never seems to get out anytime sooner...

I decide to stop by doing the most stupidest thing on the planet that ever existed ,was just to cut off my flesh leaving me to bleed my emotional pain out. Self harm is the thing I do when I'm upset ,sad, or feel emotional pain that comes along every step of the way even so many twists I had to go through in life. To me there's a difference between emotional pain and physical pain.

Emotional pain is something I go through everyday and wanting to scream my sorrows out of my body to let go of my suffering. Emotions are no longer apart of my body the way I wanted to come back.I was so happy as a little kid , but now I can no longer be happy the way I use to be . To this day I try to become happy , it doesn't seem to work at all because I put on a smile I don't mean to put on it just naturally happens the way a human body should be working. If I fail on test ( probably didn't study at all which I forgot) I would cut myself so I won't pour out my emotions on my family or friends. I put on a strong face then forget about like nothing happened.

Physical pain is way to distract myself from feeling towards things or people I deal with in life ( the ones giving me a hard time). It releases  me from the utter nightmare called "feelings", when I'm feeling hopeless including wanting to die most of the time. All I do is
cut myself.

" Hahahahah I can't feel the pain anymore"

" NO ONE WOULD CARE"

"I'VE DONE THIS TOO MANY TIMES"

"NO ONE WOULD NOTICE"

"WHY DO I LIVE IN THIS WORLD I BREATHE IN WITH A BUNCH OF LAIRS!!!"

"WHO WOULD CARE RIGHT?!?!? IT'S JUST A FEW SCARS"

-FROM MY LIVING MIND

I don't know how to stop...