The way my life is

Why Can't You see Me...

Am I invisible?? That's what I think.

When I see my friends or other people who are close to me, all I think is

" Do I go to them?? Do I just be silent and just smile at them, even when things for me are tough? What do I do?

My fear is people...

I don't know how to act properly around other beings because one day I may be hyped up and another day  I might be looking depressed. I put up two faces with me just being loud, then all silent. If someone is avoiding me, I try to do the same cause I don't wanna be too clingy or annoying to that person. I don't go to them since I'm sacred of what they're gonna do and say, I try just a bit, but I feel like I'm disgusting in their presence. They move far away in my mind of thoughts saying " WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME".

I try to be loud like thunder , so people can see me and stop avoiding me. It doesn't work sometimes. I'm the one going to people for just hugs because I hear their problems or their celebrations, though I wish a person in my life would the same.

I just want a hug on a random day and someone to say "you're fine". I don't tell people this because I'm scared of their reactions, I feel that if I ask something people seem to go away from me.  I think hug to me is worth it, I give hugs because I want people to feel a sense of happiness. If someone hugs me out of the random, I would being to panic, then I don't want to let go of them. (It's weird I know) letting go of someone is hard for me.

I want to approach a person, but I feel like they don't want my presence. I had back then, yet now I think there going away from me. I don't tell them, since I don't wanna be a bother to them, I hate it when people just avoid me. It's like I'm invisible...

When I put my hoodie on it's just to avoid eye contact with them. Reason are that there avoiding me I think, which sometimes I just wanna run up to them to tell them.

" I'm invisible to you"
" I'm trying to get your attention"
" I'm I just an annoyance to you"

I want to yell so bad, but I'm afraid to. I see them everyday with a feeling of gloom. Yes, I know I said " stand up to fear", but I didn't say it was going to be easy.

It's hard... Too damn difficult...

I just beat myself up by just any person who is avoiding me, I can't say words anymore to them. I can't be there for them. I can't make them look at me. I can't make them say things. I can't make them stop avoiding me. I can't tell them this because of fear. I can't give them a hug. I can't actually talk to them. I can't give them satisfaction of what they actually what.

I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't do it.

WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME!!!