Blades Away | XXXTENTACTION

19. Katrina's Self harm

warning

If you are experiencing self harm or do please speak to someone or to me on Wattpad or Twitter

Katrina POV
I don't remember a lot from that day but it's all coming back
"Why did you run away?"

" Jah I saw the message and that made me upset. I honestly need a breather."

" promise me you won't just leave like that. You had ma and me worried." I promised I said as our fingers intertwined. On the way home he kissed my hand as I giggled and we talked on the way home. I can't believe I told him the truth,but not all of it. I never told him that I'm depressed and wanted a way out....

I woke up around midnight and I just started to think...about life, how weak I actually am. What can I do right without someone saying something to me. I just want all the things that have been said about me to end. Why not just end it all to not hear this crap. I'm sick and tired of hearing the 'Dead beat dad jokes' from when I was a kid. I'm sick of people saying I killed my mom and I'm sick of the Russian stupid family rival. I just want to die and let it be... I removed my boyfriends hand quietly getting out of bed. I looked at his face as he reminded me of a baby sleeping peacefully but I know this will be my last time seeing him.

Jahseh's pov

I woke up turning over on my side but shawty wasn't there. I got out of bed looking for her until I saw the one thing that scared the fuck out of me. Katrina with a knife to her wrist.

"Yo what are you doing?!" I yelled as I saw her look at me as tears stained her cheeks and her nose was a bright red color.

"Baby I can't do it..." She cried as I saw the cuts on her leg and arms. She held the went to cut her wrist. I grabbed her wrist taking the knife out of her hand and into the sink.

Katrina Pov

"What is going on?" He asked yelling as I didn't look into him eyes

"Nothing" I answer as he looks at me

"Are you sure?" He said trying to get me answer him

"Yeah..I'm fine" I say not looking at him

"Trina just te-"

"Jahseh this has nothing to do with you!" I yell cutting him off and pushing him away from me as he didn't do anything but stair. I looked into Jahseh's eyes, and I saw it...I saw the numbness, the coldness, the demon he's trying to lock away. I saw it all...We both stared at each other with blank but cold looks in our eyes.

I didn't care that my arm was dripping with blood on the hardwood floor, not one bit. I just wanted out. Out of life, out of harm's way, and out of everyone's hair. I'm nothing but a disgrace. I've been abandoned by everyone so might as well do it. I felt him grab my bloody arm as my attention when to him.

"...I know what's going on with you."

"You don't know anything about me..."

"Your favorite color is red, you like music, you like to watch the movie White chicks and know every other line. I know a lot about you. I also know that you have been in the mental part of the jail at your fourth month."

"Do you have powers or some shit? You know everything and I have never told you about it? How do you do it." I say looking down

"Speak with your head up. You deserve to be heard."

"Jah how do you a lot of stuff. Did Jenny tell you?"

"Look me in my eyes." He states as I turn towards him and our eyes meet again, but this time it's like he is trying to see through me.

" Just by looking into your eyes, I can tell a lot. You jumping saying you'll take the years. No one does that but a person that's lost." Just by looking at him it's making me want to just tell my secrets that he truly doesn't know

"I also need to tell you how it started." I rambled on. "It started when I was-"

"I know. You being kidnapped at eight. I knew about it for a long time."

"And how come you never told me." I said as I looked down at my arm to see even more blood and decide maybe I should go clean this up...well Jah forced me. I get up off the couch as he is behind me following me until I get to the bathroom

"you know that song I released a long time ago." He asked

"Yeah, it's called 'I don't wanna do this anymore' right?"

"Yeah, that song is one of my favorite's when Jenny let me listen to it Jah, that have really tugged my heart and was on repeat in my head. Who was that song about?" I asked putting bandages on my arm and thighs

"You...It was about you." When he said that I tried my hardest not to look into the mirror to let him see the shocked look that was brought there. He used one of his own lines to get me to open up more about my kidnap situation and everything in jail as well.

"I know you're feeling numb, Katrina. It's not that hard to see from you." with those words my eyes quickly started to form tears as one fell on the counter. I turned my back to see him standing in the bathroom door. His brown eyes meet with mine as I felt a few more tears run down my face. Time felt as if it stopped between us... I want to know how he is able to see through me like glass.

I didn't know what I was doing but I snapped out of my thoughts when I felt a warm embrace from him.

"You don't need to kill your self, you're to pretty for that." He say as I cry onto him. I couldn't control my emotions and just cried my heart out as he hugged me.

"It's okay...We both have did this. You are not alone." He said trying to calm me down.

"I'll make your favorite for you okay." I nodded as he kissed my cheek. We let go of each other as he took my hand and lead me into the kitchen. I sat on top of the counter close to the sink as I saw he was about to make lasagna for me.

"Why did you write that about me?" I asked as he look for the tray.

"You were all I could think about. I had to think of when I was at your house and you just couldn't go to sleep, I saw you as the only one for me."

"Then why not make it official then?"

"It wasn't the right time to...Everything happens for a reason, if the universe doesn't want us together then it will show-"

"And if it does everything will be in line. Jahseh I know that already but the thing is that you have dated so many girls in your past. How do I not know it was about you know who? Or someone else?"

"I don't wanna love myself, I'm praying that y'all love me. Who does that sound like? Someone at twelve saying that she doesn't love herself, but she gains some confidence when everyone loves her. That's what you said to me." He was right...I never really loved myself since my kidnapping after I ran away from my mom. I wasn't just kidnapped, I was also rapped as well, after that, I have never been the same person.

"You know you are 'in trouble' right?" Jah said as I look at him confused

"What do you mean?"

"I'm staying all day with you tomorrow."

"How is that punishment? I love being here with you"

" No phone and you're not leaving our room." He said as I looked at him shocked

" bro you're mean." I said as he kissed my forehead

" I love you too." He said grabbing my butt as we walked towards the room. My phone has been acting weird lately. It would ring when no one calls and I haven't gotten a call from phoebe or ski in a day now. Sometimes I would hear a few noises but I shrug it off.