Iscariot

Show me your darkest baby, show me your deepest.

"Good morning! Do you need a ride?" James was walking up the driveway, suited up.

Mika jumped, dropping her car keys as she spun around to face him. "Oh! You startled me." She laid a hand over her pounding heart, trying to catch her breath. She felt terrible, couldn't concentrate, and was already late. She'd missed the train but she also didn't want to take it, didn't want to risk seeing him.

Damien.

Damien was awake when she woke up, only to open her eyes and drown in the urge to cry. It wasn't that she was used to waking up to Andrew holding her, or at least that was what she told herself. Truthfully, she didn't know what it was but it had her moving away from him.

"Mika?" He'd picked up on it right away, noticing her distress, concerned as she almost fell off the bed trying to get past him. Her thoughts were apprehensive, upset. She feels like she's trapped? He reached to steady her and Mika quickly pulled back.

"I'm sorry, I have to go." Panic was rising to choke her.

I'm sorry. She kept repeating it, despite their deal. Reaching for her clothes, she snatched them before he could touch her, refusing to meet his eyes.

"What's wrong?" Damien swiftly got up, but she moved away again.

Please don't touch me. "I don't know." She didn't. Her migraine was blessedly gone, only to be replaced with enough anxiety to have her feeling like she was vibrating in her own skin. She saw him reach to turn on the light and the bulb overhead popped with a bright flash, making her jump with a small cry.

"Mika!" Damien quickly jerked his hand away from the switch, his eyes flying to her.

She was so close to tears. I can't face him. How can I be this awful to him? The room spun and she held back her nausea, uptight and torn by her own behavior. Her hands shook as she donned her bra and pulled her shirt back over her head.

"Calm down, it's okay." She could hear it in his voice. He was upset, trying to hide it from her, trying to help her and she turned back to see him standing with his hands up in a defensive posture.

He's looking at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I am. I can't do this!

"Please, calm down." But Damien took a step back when she moved toward him.

"I'm fine." She flushed, holding back her tears. It looked like she wouldn't have to worry about crying on him this time as he took another step back, fear in his eyes.

"I have to go." Mika couldn't stay another second. She couldn't breathe. Her heart was slamming in her chest.

"Wait! Can we talk?" he asked, trying to keep himself calm. "Talk to me."

"I have to work." Mika shook her head, grabbing her purse and biting her lip. Talk? He won't come near me. She didn't blame him.

"Can I at least see you tonight? After? Please?!" Damien pleaded.

Leave me alone, but she couldn't say it out loud. She didn't answer him. Everything is so fucked up. He wouldn't come within five feet of her now. It broke her heart to see the look on his face as she turned back to him, trying to think of something to say, anything.

"I can't." Mika hurried down the stairs. "Please, leave me alone."

"Mika, wait! Don't go!" She could hear him calling after her. "Please!"

"It isn't you, Damien. It's me." It was the worst excuse anyone could say. Once again she was a mess, making a mess of something that had been beautiful. She'd never forget how he looked as she turned back and saw him at the top of the stairs. Heartbroken.