Bundeslihaha: Where Fussball Meets Fun

Europhoria (Part 1, but there's no Part 2.)

For eruditemonk. I'm really sorry for the late gift! I know you asked for a oneshot, but I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint... (Posted 17.4.16)

10.6.18: Features Inconsistent Bochum. Read at your own risk.

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Munich, April 15, 2016

VfL Bochum took unsure steps before the door of his best friend's apartment, wondering if he really should come here. With only a small gift box in his hands, what was he gonna do? Watch her open it and then go home? He didn't even know what to say! 'Congratulations for making it into the semis' didn't feel enough...

Pocketing the gift on his jacket, Bochum started to pace around the small corridor, mulling over his word choices. "Congrats, Bayern!" he tested in a hushed voice, "I'm so proud of you!" He envisaged his friend beaming before him, muscular hands reaching out for a hug, so he looked up to the imaginary Bayern and hugged her back. "Thank you, Bochum," he replied in a different voice – an impression of Bayern's, "Thank you so-"

"Oi, Bochum! What the heck are you doing?"

Surprised, Bochum promptly lost his balance and fell face-first onto the linoleum floor. While Bochum tried to stand up, the caller started cackling madly, earning him a deadly look from the Ruhr-born man.

"None of your business, Lautern," he snapped, wiping the blood off his nose with his sleeve, "What are you doing here?"

The uninvited guest, 1. FC Kaiserslautern, shook his head in disbelief. "Oh, Bochum," he cooed mockingly, "can't you see I'm dressed to impress?" He swirled to give the shorter club a full look of his tight 'Betze' V-neck, gray jeans, and flaming red Supra shoes, "I'm picking up my girlfriend for lunch."

"Your girlfriend?" Bochum asked, "you mean Sechzig?"

"Well, duh!" the Red Devils cried, throwing his hands up in the air, "Stuttgart doesn't live in Munich! Besides, he's my boyfriend. He's waiting in his car downstairs, by the way."

Bochum wondered what Lautern had bribed Stuttgart with to make him agree to a threesome.

"And you, stop avoiding my question. What're you doing here?" Lautern continued, "Picking up your own girlfriend?"

The thought of Bayern being his... his girlfriend, of all things!, made Bochum blush all over again. "Hell no!"

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!" Lautern hooted. "Dude, everyone knows you have the biggest crush on her since forever! Why not ask her out, now that you're here?"

"Maybe because I can hear you from behind my door," the voice of Bayern München interrupted. As expected, Kaiserslautern gasped dramatically, hands on his cheeks, but all blood drained from Bochum's face, his eyes widening so much he looked like a zombie.

"B-Bayern," Bochum stuttered after a few awkward seconds, Bayern's icy glare turning his feet into jelly as he reached for his pocket, "I-I have s-s-something for you..."

He handed the Bavarian his gift with shuddering hands. "Open it,"

She unwrapped it wordlessly, quickly. Bochum watched her impassive face turn even more rigid. Crap...

"Bochum," Bayern intoned, in the silky tone of voice she normally reserved for her enemies, "are you kidding me?"

"Uh..." Bochum scratched his blond hair, cringing at the birthday card pasted on the box's lid as well, "Sorry, I didn't have the chance to visit you in February..." He took a deep breath, trying to gather a semblance of dignity. "But-but please open the box too!"