Sorry for all the spelling mistakes. I just got so frustrated with wattpad oh gosh
The last one i once agrred with, is far long from my reach. Because if i didnt have a heart, then what the else is inside me, fucking hurting like shit, for the only girl i will and do love?
I sound like a complete pussy. Crying on about how much i love her-but it's true. And i cant deny it.I love Bella so fucking much it hurts for me to think what i'd do if i truly have lost her.
"Luke?" mum says knocking on the door. i slowly lie on my bed and put the covers over my head, not minding the crack of my back which sounds as i descend.
I dont answer, but she comes in anyways. sitting on the end of my bed sighing.
"Luke, i get you're upset. But you have to learn-" I interrupt her without her having to finish her sentence
"To what mum? Move on?" I could barely say my voice cracking as i take the covers off my face to stare at the ceiling. She lightly chuckles, slowly patting my legs under the thick sheet of fabric.
"Oh Luke" She says shaking her head, I close my eyes "You know you're just like you're uncle." She says smiling; recalling the memory
"He loved this one girl too much, it broke him." She frowns "I dont want that happening to you, baby" She moves closer trying to make me face her
"He tried so many times to kill himself, just to be with her." mum stands up and makes her way over to me as i put the covers over my face.
"She died?" I ask in horror as a memory of Bella swallowing pills; locked in her bathroom door.
"Yes, it was an accident." I didnt care for what mum had to say. I was suddenly panicking as thoughts and memories of Bella trying to commit suicide replay in my head one bye one. I close my eyes shut trying to keep them away.
Bella's sobs and cries play over and over in my head. Mum suddenly takes the blanket off me. And i breathe in all the air i can take.
"Luke!" she yells over and over again. But it wasnt the same voice as my mum's; it was Bella. No, no, no.
I'm going crazy. I sit up putting my head inbetween my knees and cover my eyes. It's all Bella. It's all her. Cutting, hurting, yelling crying, it's all my fault.
My mum is shaking me as i'm zoned out. She gives up slowly, buy embracing me into her arms.
Bella's soft voice soothes me as i recall another memory.
Her hair down, curled but soft. Her eyes sparkling but happy. Her lashes longwith a bit of make-up. and her lips-oh her lips. So soft, pink and so full as she tells me.
"My biggest mistake wasn't falling for you Luke." She says smiling, but she suddenly starts biting her bottom lip "It was thinking you had fallen for me too." Bella say looking down.
I cup her face in my hands slowly smiling. I kissed her on the top of her head.
"But baby," I say "I've completely fallen in love with you."
-
Mum and dad, didnt want the word to go around that their son has gone mental so they didnt sign me up for therapy, nor did they make me speak with anyone.
They gave me one thing. Actually two things. A new ipod, for listening to music, and a brown leather journal to write all my fucking heart-throb feelings into.
I've written it already-well drawn in it. With sad as fuck poetry, to depressing pictures this journal is not helping me accomplish anything. I've been staring at the blank lined page that is above my head. One hand holding the book, and the other holding a pen i accidentally stole from wedding shop.
Hours pass by as i notice, i've completely zoned out. With pictures of Bella. Oh my fucking god. I've fallen hard for her.
Suddenly word on the paper suddenly appear as i keep thinking of her. Her Blue eyes which i made gray. Her beautiful laugh which i made cries. Her outgoing personality which i've; killed.
"I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things i didn't do, for hetting attached; for making you my whole life. depening on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all, for not hating you...which i know i shoud. But fuck-i cant. I love you too much."
I write as i close the book and throw it against the wall.
-
My mum finally gave me the privellage to go outside on my own, without having my brother-jack to go with me.
To finally feel free from the windows and doors from my house. To finally leave the same room i stay in 24/7.
Everything feels so wierd. Ignoring the pain in my back and all the parts in my body. Ignoring the burning sensation in my eyes, and even the ache in my throat.
I thought-I thought i knew what pain was. When my grandpa past, when i was puched in the face. But it isnt the same pain nor did it hurt as much when i saw your face in the grocery store.
Bella?
so yeah hey. grads on wed! best comment gets the next chapter dedicated to them. AND OH MY SUGAR. 59K? i almost had a heart attack. but luckilly-martin knows cpr (;
