I don't know how to react; I mean he's the guy who you poured your soul and heart to, he's the guy who you turned to when everyone was against you, he's the guy who you shared your firsts with, but; he was also the one who threw it all away. Like it was some distraction or some little rock waiting to be kicked away from the sidewalk.
I just look at him; my mind plays back all the memories we've had, all the "I love you" and kisses shared. I planned this in my head the day he left; what I was going to say to him or what I was going to do.
Imagines of me yelling and cursing, throwing things and trying to make him feel the why I feel. But like I said before; I can't fight. Him standing there; in this very bedroom; makes me realize that whatever we had is gone. I don't have anything left at all for him to take.
I stay there silently as he does the same; he looks at me with sad guilty eyes with slight glint of hope; but I don't do the same. I stare at him with a dead gaze hoping he'll see what he's made me.
I'm no longer the fragile girl he kept so softly in his arms; I was fragile until I broke.
My visions start to blur as I notice unwanted tears sliding down my cheek.
"Please don't cry Belle, I'm so sorry, I'm-"Luke starts walking toward me; and in that moment I shake my head and I turn around to face Michael.
"What are you looking at Belle? Is there something in the room or something?" I quickly turn around; Luke's not where he was just moments ago. I'm going crazy; no, no I'm not; he was just there I swear it on my grave.
"Have you been crying?" Michael asks wiping away my tears with his thumb; I don't take any moment to hesitate; I wrap my arms around Michael; he's a bit surprised about my actions but he quickly hugs back.
-
I enter the therapist's waiting room; welcomed by a familiar sound:
In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
All apologies by nirvana sound across the room
No, no, no. I take the closest thing near me and smash it against the wall. Michael takes a hold of me and whispers comforting things in my ear; and I do something that takes Michael, and myself taken aback. I cry and I breakdown; in front of my best friend for the first time in so long.
Whispers and murmurs gush through the room like ashes in the wind. Stares and disturbed faces; face Michael and me; but I don't care.
'All apologies' is the song that Luke and I would listen to for hours; the song he and I would sing loudly to in the car. I softly sob into Michael's shirt as I listen along to the lyrics; sobs becoming louder after every sentence
I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of sault
Everything is my fault.
I thought I had nothing left for me to fight. What's happening?
My body's aching, for what has been so long. And I feel it. The emotions, and they're back.
And I really don't want them to be.
-
I was in the therapy room with Cathy zoning out from whatever she was trying to say; I look out the window to see a little blue butterfly fly across the glowing green grass.
