fragile ∾ pjm + myg

chapter twenty-one

Jimin really likes to sleep 'cause anything's better than being awake when you hate yourself so much you can feel it deep in your bones.

⍉

It's a bad day and Jimin's on edge.

There are dark, purple bruises from not sleeping and the empty look he has on his eyes have all the members on edge, tiptoeing around him; he hates it all and he just wish he could yell at them to stop treating him like a cracked porcelain vase. Dance practice came and went with Jimin doing everything on autopilot, letting his body control his movements because he if he tried to he was sure he would just fall to the ground and refuse to get up until he didn't feel so numb anymore.

It's been a while since they had weight in days but the comeback is growing closer and closer and Jimin can't run from it no matter how much he tries to, how much he wants to. They get in a line and Jimin gets to be in last place and he's torn between crying in relief or running straight out of the room; doing his best to not pay attention to the alarm bells ringing inside his brain, red lights taking over everything. He hadn't weighed himself in so, so long because they took away all the scales in their dorms and Jimin hated weighing himself when he had clothes on so he couldn't go anywhere public and he didn't mind that much, he really didn't; he had learned how to ignore that part of his brain most of the times now. But now it seems that all the progress he thought he had made is going down the drain because there's sweat forming on his hairline and he's trembling with anxiety coursing through his veins like acid.

Time gets by quick and suddenly it's his turn and the singer can actually feel sweat running down his spine now and it's too hot in there and his hands are shaking and he can't do this. He can't do this because he's been eating, he has been forced to feed himself like a normal person would but he hasn't weighed himself in more than three months and he's fucking scared because he gained and he's already too fucking fat and God, he can't do this; but he has too, because everyone is looking at him which expectant and hopeful eyes and Jimin can't disappoint them, he can't.

Because God forbid Jimin of being a bigger disappoint than he already is.

So when the number 59kg stares back at him in bright red Jimin can feel the metallic taste of blood flooding his mouth where he had bit the inside of his cheek strong enough to tear the skin, tears burning his eyes as the members and the staff congratulates him on going back to a healthy weight like that should be something Jimin should take pride off but all he feels is fat. And he knows it should be something to be proud of, that he should be ecstatic because now the world doesn't spin whenever he gets up anymore and his stomach doesn't feel as hollow as his chest every single day but Jimin can't tell what's right or wrong nowadays because everything's been grey for him for so long that he doesn't know what colours look like anymore. He should be proud he's healthy, now, because that's the right thing. The thoughts on his brain are the bad one's but this time he can't shut them out.

Because Jimin doesn't want to be healthy, he wants to be thin.

Wants the sharp bones of his ribs showing through his skin, giving way to a concave stomach that held nothing but water for the past days and hip bones that poke through his skin like daggers trying to break through. He wants arms just as slim as his wrists where the bone of his elbow pokes out and legs were he can wrap both hands around it with like it's the easiest thing in the world; Jimin wants to be delicate and not have his thighs touching when he walks or the fat of his arm wiggling around when he dances, that soft part of his tummy that haunts him whenever he looks at himself in the mirror without a shirt. Wants his sharp jawline and gaunt cheeks back, wants the fullness of his face to fall to the ground just like his self esteem do everytime he spares a glance at the mirror. He wanted to be so fragile that people would wonder if he even ate and the answer would be no.

Jimin didn't want healthy, he wanted skin and bones. And he didn't know when his mind started to think that skeletons looked pretty.

The rest of the day went by in a blink but Jimin was acting on automatic, answering when he was asked and not talking if not talked to; he stayed silent, trapped inside his own mind with no way out. He had been doing well, he was going so well; he was able to control his urges more and he didn't burst out crying whenever something went wrong but now it seemed like the past months were all a lie he forced himself and the others to believe and Jimin had always been stuck in the same fucking place because that's how useless he really are. Even when he had no intention of he tricked everyone to think he was doing well, that for some fucking miracle he was actually getting better; but the truth it was all a illusion he created on his head to make his existence a little less shitty. Funny how it takes months to get you up and seconds to bring you back to rock bottom.

Fake it till you make it, he heard it once. And he had. He had faked it time after time after time and it's not working, it's not fucking working because he can't make it. Jimin will never get fucking better and he was stupid to allow himself to believe in everyone who told him that because life isn't a goddamn fairy tale and people don't get what they want and all Jimin wants it to know what happiness is again. He wants to take pictures and not feel like setting them on fire, wants to know what it's like to say he's ok and actually mean it. But it seems like some far away dream, like something he shouldn't even be considering because it's never going to happen; he's too far gone, too damaged to be repaired. Paint over cracks never worked for people and that's all he's been trying to do lately, painting layer after layer of paint over every crack he had but now it's all coming apart again and it's his fault for believing it wouldn't.

It's always his fault, so, really, he shouldn't be surprised.

Shouldn't be surprised when he couldn't sleep at all at night because all he saw when he closed his eyes were those numbers hunting his thoughts that left him wondering how could he let himself go that much because this was never supposed to fucking happen. Shouldn't be surprised when he escaped from Yoongi's grip and locked himself in the bathroom, barely managing to keep his sobs low enough so that nobody would hear him; shouldn't be surprised when he broke someone's razor because he just couldn't fucking deal with this right now and it was killing him and he just wanted everything to stop, he wanted his mind to stop screaming. He wanted to feel something other than numbness and self-hatred, even if he knew he would regret it later.

He wasn't surprised when it didn't take even ten minutes for Yoongi to find him with blood running down the sides of his thighs because of fucking course he would forget Jin took all the locks off in the apartment because no one trusted him anymore; not even Jimin trusted himself and the situation now was the exact proof of why he shouldn't be trusted. He wasn't surprised when he burst, sobbing into Yoongi's shirt as the elder tried to pry the broken razor out of his fingers while pressing paper towels on the singer's thighs, whispering that everything was going to be ok in his ears and Jimin just wanted to scream and tell him that nothing was ever gonna be ok in his life and they should stop lying to him because it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair how Taehyung appeared on the doorway with his hair pointing to everywhere and the others members appeared behind him one by one, sleep clouding their eyes but worry fastly overcoming it when they took the scene inside the bathroom.

Jimin passed out from exhaustion lying between both Yoongi and Taehyung, as Jeongguk laid on the end of the bed, the younger refusing to leave his hyungs alone. Jimin didn't say anything when they laid there with him, throat sore and thighs burning like all hell, guilt eating his heart and spreading through his lungs because he made everyone worry again and he broke his promise.

Breaking promises was the only thing Jimin was good at, apparently, and he could only hope that was the last one he would break.

It's quite sad that things never happen the way we want to.