fragile ∾ pjm + myg

chapter one

Jimin was fine.

He didn't have a terminal disease, his health was okay according to his last visit to the doctor, they were in the highest place they've ever been in their career as a group yet, and he had amazing friends who were also his members; always there for him. But the question here was, why didn't he feel fine? He could smile. He could still crack jokes so he could bring everyone's mood up along with Hoseok, he could laugh until his stomach hurt and his lungs were gasping for air while he was trying to control the tears gathered up in his eyes; he could still feel like a normal person most of the time. But then they would arrive at the dorm and Jimin would lie down on his bed while someone always claimed the shower before him, and something would just snap. The thought of smiling seemed far away from his mind, his body would become numb and suddenly he was wondering what he was even doing . It was a change so sudden that left him confused and lost.

So why was he feeling like that, he wondered at night when all the other members were sound asleep on their beds and Namjoon's loud snores could be heard by the thin walls of their dorm and Jimin's mind just wouldn't leave him alone for a second so he could sleep no matter how dropped his eyelids were from the lack of sleep in the past days, or how tired his body felt after hours upon hours on dance practice and dancing by his own and God he just wanted to sleep and escape all of this. He couldn't help but feel ungrateful for thinking like this, but he couldn't just stop feeling like it. Why would he even bother practicing when Jeongguk could top his moves in an hour of practice and Hoseok could learn something in ten minutes that took him four hours to? Why would he bother even going to vocal practice or his parts recordings when Jeongguk and Taehyung were already starting to reach the high notes too and that was basically all he could do? Why, why, why would he ever bother even trying to be good enough when someone would always top his efforts anyway? Why even try it? Just, why?

He had always been insecure, since he was a little kid, but it had only gotten worse when they had finally debuted. The pressure of the fans and the managers was overwhelming, but nothing could top the pressure Jimin would always put on himself; of being better at dancing, of getting better at singing, of losing weight so people could look at him and don't see chubby cheeks filled with the still baby fat that just refused to leave his face, of getting better at every single thing he could. That, of course, until his friends started to notice and put an end on it, dragging Jimin back from the practice room at ungodly hours and forcing food down his throat when they saw him skipping meals; Taehyung went as far as putting post-it on Jimin's part of the closet everyday telling how beautiful and talented the boy was. So he got better, how could he not, when all of his friends were trying to help him and he just loved them so much to even try to stop and think about everything that was happening.

So when he started feeling so damn hopeless he didn't know what to do about it, because damn him if he told the others about it and made them worry about something so stupid like that; so he did what he could at the time: nothing. He ignored it until he couldn't, he pushed the thoughts at the back of his mind during the day and sobbed silently on his pillow at 3am over the little movement he didn't get right in dance practice that day and Hoseok had to teach him because God, didn't he know how to fucking dance anymore? Was he that useless? But of course no one could know that, because how much of a burden could he be selfish enough to allow himself to be? So he cried in the shower and late at night and smile till his cheeks hurt and his eyes were pressed so much into a slit that he started thinking he would get wrinkles at the age of twenty two. Smiling always worked, because if you smile you were happy; that was what people always taught him.