fragile ∾ pjm + myg

chapter twelve

Jimin was, for the lack of a better fitting word, drained.

He was dragging his feet through the aisles of the store, eyes wandering through the displayed products with profound disinterest; mentally exhausted after another one of the psychiatrist appointment. One of their managers was out in the parking lot, waiting in the car for him, but Jimin didn't feel like going back right now; he liked not to be under eyes trying to analyze everything he did all the goddamn time. He held a prescription in his hand, the paper wavering like it didn't make Jimin's stomach hurl all around itself; like it didn't make the boy want to just crush it between his fingers. No one would know, he had just gotten out of the appointment; no one needed to know he had gotten meds. But he wouldn't do it and he knew it; he was a disappointment enough as it was, if the meds would help him to feel at least fucking normal again he wouldn't complain. Jimin owed at least that to his friends, if therapy wasn't working this was the next best thing.

The singer sighed deeply, stopping in the middle of the aisle to stare at something but not really seeing it, too lost on his own head to focus. It was a bad day, Jimin concluded, sighing again as he tried his best to ignore the annoying itching sensation under the layers of fabric covering his damaged body from view. He had finally taken off the stitches just the day before, but aching was still there, the sensation to keep splitting his skin open and not stopping until he could crawl out of this broken thing. It was bordering on one month since the last time Jimin dragged cold steel against his skin and it was driving him insane , and he couldn't do shit about it, not with how the others were watching him around, it was too risk; a disaster just waiting to happen. So he didn't, he pressed the urge right to the back of his mind and went to sleep or forced his nails so hard on his arms that sometimes it would break skin; or the times he would bang his head on the wall, wanting it all to go away, praying for him to just pass out from it so that he wouldn't have to deal with that anymore. Most of the times, Yoongi would stop him. Sometimes he just wasn't there to, so he would just constantly harm himself in any way possible until someone caught him. But it was never enough, never enough to stop the urges. All he was doing was embarrassing himself.

He hated the look of pity he would receive every time they did.

Maybe that's why when he caught sight of the blades orange parcel just hanging there while he was paying, he acted on muscle memory, fingers grabbing the package and throwing it with the new acquired pills before he could think about what he was doing. He ignored the weird glance the cashier gave him, handing her the money before grabbing the plastic bag and bolting the hell out of there, his heart beating hard against his chest. Jimin looked around, trying to control his breath again, slowing his pace down by the parking lot. He was okay; everything was okay. No one would find out he had bought those, he was gonna be okay. No one needed to know, not this. This was his dirty little secret and he wasn't about to let people find out about it again. Oh no, he was gonna do it right this time. He was gonna be okay by his own hands. Jimin was perfectly fine with his blades, he didn't need fucking pills to control his life or a therapist trying to tell him how to feel his emotions.

So when the manager dropped him off at the dorm again, he hid the small package away on his jeans pocket, explaining to both Namjoon and Seokjin about his pills and dosage before running to his room and shoving his secret so far inside his closet that no one would dare to look but him, Jimin felt like he had control over things again. He had regain the control over something he thought he had lost when the others found out, when he failed at the one thing he was even supposed to do. But it was okay because Jimin was gonna be better now. He was sure of it, a grin plastered on his face that was far from fake.

He was gonna be in control again, he just had to wait for the opportunity. Just wait till he was off the radars, till the members stopped breathing down his neck. Jimin was gonna be okay now, he was sure of it.