fragile ∾ pjm + myg

chapter twenty-one

Jimin likes to sleep.

Most of the times, now with his pills figured out and their schedule slightly less packed, he can sleep the recommended eight hours a day. The healthy amount, as Seokjin like to put it sometimes; what a human being needs to survive. Except some days even the pills can't shut his brain off and he just stares at the ceiling, Yoongi's arm weighing him down around his waist, his boyfriend's slow breathing the only thing he can hear in the quietness of the dorm. He feels tired, exhausted and drained, but his brain won't go quiet even if he begged down on his knees, the pills only managing to make him tired sluggish, but not enough to put him to sleep; so Jimin just stares. Stares at the ceiling, at the wall, at that tiny crack where his wall meet the ceiling; he stares until his eyes hurt and his brain aches from being awake for too long.

Some days it's suffocating; being trapped there. Some days Yoongi's arms feel like chains and his career feels like a fuck-up and he feels like his life doesn't have any meaning and all he wants to do is scream and cry and run away but he just stays there and stares. Does it hard enough until his eyes burn and he feels tears building at his waterline but they never fall, just stays there enough to leave Jimin's eyes wet and aching. He doesn't have the energy to move even when he wants to run so he just waits till the sun comes up and closes his eyes and wishes he had never been born because God fucking damn it he's tired of living like this; tired of feeling like a failure. Tired of taking a step forward and being pushed back ten.

And then there's the days where he ends up waking up Yoongi when he tries to find a comfortable position in bed, days where looking at the walls are driving him just as insane when he's not looking. Those days Yoongi would press a kiss in the crown of his head, lips pressed against his hair as the elder pulls him close, desperate to make Jimin feel better; sometimes they talk, sometimes they just stay silent, listening to each other's breath until the sunlight begins to bleed through the curtains blocking the room's window and they are forced to go back to the reality where they're idols and faking a smile to the cameras following them is routine.

Sometimes Jimin's thinks too much in those nights and he ends up spilling things he didn't want to.

"This is so risky," he whispered under his breath in one of those nights were Yoongi would pull him close until he stopped feeling like he'd rather throw himself in front of a car than live through another day. He was lying down on the rapper's chest, listening to his heartbeat and their breaths, and the words slipped from his tongue before he could think better. The elder only acknowledges his words with a low hum, but when Jimin refuses to explain, he ask what he meant by that, getting a tired sigh as an answer, "Us. This. If someone finds out-"

"No one's gonna find out."

"If someone finds out we're gonna fuck up everyone's lives and I just can't do that, hyung, what if-" Yoongi grabs Jimin's chin and pull him up, making the younger look at him, effectively shutting him up.

The rapper sighs, gently caressing Jimin's cheek with his fingers, "Stop living life in the what if's, Minnie, they don't matter. What matter is what happening now, not what happened or what can possible happen, you'll drive yourself crazy if you keep a mindset like that. We're ok. For now, and for a long time if it depends on me, we're gonna be ok. We will be careful, we will talk to the others," he leaned in a bit, planting a chaste peck against the younger's lips before pulling back again and giving him a tiny smile, "You and I, we're gonna make it work. Don't worry about the future when you have the now to care for."

The singer sighed, but nodded, leaning against the elder's chest again, hiding his face in Yoongi's shirt and inhaling his scent, allowing the familiar smell to calm his nerves down bit by bit. He was trying, he really was. He knew worrying to much about the future can fuck up people's head but he just couldn't stop himself from thinking about everything that could go wrong if they ever made a mistake, the tiniest mistake could end their careers; end everything all seven of them worked so hard to get. And it would be all his fault; sweet little old Jimin who just couldn't keep his hands to himself, the young boy with a suicide attempt to stain his past and a good for nothing personality and non-existent qualities. Jimin fell asleep that night wondering how everyone's life would be if he had cut deeper when he had the chance.