Happier

7

(Made myself cry writing this one. Don't know if it's just because I'm sick and really out of it, but yeah.)

Andy-

I don't know what came over me. I was lying on top of Rye and then just suddenly became overly self conscious for no reason. I freaked out. I felt really bad for lashing out at him. I know I hurt him.

I knew the boys would be back at this point, but I didn't care. I was gonna make sure Rye was okay. I climbed out of his bed and started to walk towards mine and Mikey's room. When I entered the room, I heard sobs and whimpers coming from my bed. I looked up to see a confused Mikey sitting on the edge of my bed, trying his best to comfort Rye. I walked over to the two. Mikey was startled at first, but stood up and allowed me to do my best to comfort Rye. I sat down where Mikey had previously been.

"Rye?" I asked timidly. He didn't respond instead cowered further away from me. "Rye I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't know what happened, I just got so self conscious and thought that you wouldn't care and never loved me. I'm so sorry." I said as I placed my hand gently on the top of his head, running my fingers through his soft hair. He turned his head to look at me. I saw his red, puffy eyes. I felt so bad.

"It's ok, Andy. I was just worried that I had done something wrong." He said as he sat up beside me.

"No, no Rye! You didn't do anything wrong, I promise!" I said as I wrapped my arms around his neck and burried my face in the crook of his neck.

He laid down, pulling me down with him. He was on his back and I had my head on his chest. Our legs were intertwined and he had his hand rested on my hip.

I heard the door open as Mikey walked in. I heard the snap of a camera and the room lit up. He must've thought we were both asleep. I stayed quiet but smiled a bit.

All along I had been so scared of who I truly was. I tried to ignore the fact that I was bi by convincing myself I was straight. I was too scared of what the public would think if they ever found out, so I lived a double life. One was out to the world, open to the public eye. The other was being locked doors at all times, only I knew it even existed.

My old school mates had me convinced that if you were a part of the LGBTQ+ community that you were some sort of 'monster'. I hid from them for fear that they would find out who I truly was and would see me as a 'monster'. So I did something that I don't think I would ever do, although here I am, still doing it. I closed myself away. I pushed people out of my life. I lived in fear, in shame of who I was. I was scared to leave my own home, scared someone would see right through me. Scared to be pushed to the ground and punched and kicked and yelled at for who I was.

But now I see that I have nothing to fear. I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am, I should be proud. I had hid out of fear, but just on the other side of fear was a world where I could be who I wanted to be and not care what others thought or saw of me. But I never opened my eyes and took a look at it. But one thing is now opening my eyes. One thing is breaking me out of my shell and showing me there is happiness to be found in who I am and there is more to this world then fear and shame.

I realize now who the true monsters are. They are people who I was afraid of. They are the people who told me it was wrong and that if you were one then you were a monster. But they were just covering up the fact that underneath those pretty faces and all that caked on makeup, there lied a monster.

And I listened to them when the only thing stoping me from seeing the truth was fear.

But one things keeping me from fear. One thing keeps me from being ashamed. One thing has opened my eyes and will continue to open my eyes. One thing has already shown me the truth, but I was still too blinded by the light to see it. And now I'm seeing glimpses of it.

And that one thing is something that I would have never imagined would be my one thing.

My one thing is Ryan Beaumont.

~