Once In A Lifetime One Shots

We All Feel Alone (Diary #10)

Yes. I tried killing myself earlier. People will always make you feel like a mess. I thought I really was a liability but I soon learned how to discern my own emotions from what other people feel about me.

The more I delve deeper into loneliness, the more I understand that it's not only me that feels alone. In our world, stress is inevitable. You wake up and see the people around you and it just makes you want to gauge your eyes out.

But that's stupid. The world is beautiful, it's the society that isn't. We are a broken society, we've always been.

We numb our pain by saying crying is for the weak or by mocking depressed people for trying to kill or successfully kill themselves. Or the worst part is, trying to save them.

Why? Because you tell them that "it's bad" and "you're important so don't kill yourself" or "I've been there". Newsflash, not everyone is the same.

Everyone is programmed and wired differently. Apple can never become an Android and Samsung can never have iCloud; It doesn't mean that they have to destroy each other.

People forget that diversity and peace isn't just about acceptance and tolerance but it also includes respect, and to the extent, LOVE.

We all feel alone. We are a lonely bunch of people. The traditional, pre-World War II people are always complaining about how time passed them by. The baby boomers are rampant into molding the modern life into their own image. The Generation X is busy debating with the Millenials. The Millenials are trying their best to make everything perfect in their own standard. Generation Z is busy trying to be the next big thing on fucking YouTube by eating a tide pod.

But we're always looking at the negatives. The veteran generation fought to overthrow Hitler and Nazism to provide a better life for the future. The baby boomers are passing their torches to Generation X who are more than ready to help. The Millenials are the present day pioneers who gave me life in the form of music and that is Lorde. Finally, the Generation Z is self aware than its previous generations. They are oozing with potential. They are our future.

I feel alone in all of this. I was born on 1998, in the middle of Generation Z and the Millenials (middle 80s-1997 are the Millenials and 1999-2017 are generation Z).

I'm not saying everyone born in 1998 are lonely. It's just the way I was shaped. I've grown cynical as I reached my current age of 19. Who wouldn't be if you were introduced to a world where your "No" meant nothing. I was unfortunate to be born with a penis for I know deep inside I'm neither a man or a woman. I am everything and nothing all at once.

I feel alone because I've been saying "No" to everyone since I started talking when I was 2. No, I don't want your gun pointed at me. I don't want your fingers up my asshole. No, I don't want your penis inside my mouth. I don't want your false idea of equality and equity. I don't want you to tell me that just because I was born a male, I had all the privilege when I have to work ten times harder than all my cisgender male and female contemporaries.

You don't know how it feels like to always fight and crumble inside. At least with you men and women, you're accepted in this world. I am made to feel like a liability. I am made to feel unwanted. Hurts you know, to not have anyone to tell this. To tell how I really feel.

I feel so alone but what else can I do? I'm not attractive. I'm fat. I'm called a whore. I'm called a bitch. A slut. A faggot. I'm called good but "not good enough". I'm called "too liberal" or too much of a feminist when all I wanted was equal treatment of all genders that show femininity. All I wanted was the world to see that there's nothing wrong with being feminine or masculine regardless of your gender and sexual orientation. That it will only be a problem if it's too much. That's what we call toxic masculinity and toxic femininity.

I'm always called too much. I'm not. That's the one thing I'm not, too much.

As time passes by, I soon learn that people only call me that because they, too are lonely. They are just like me, alone.

But unlike me, they don't revel on it.

Yes, it eats me alive that the man I know will be my husband would be out of my league in terms of physical appearance. That I'll be the fat pig next to a stallion like him.

But as much as I know I am fat, I know who's boss. Who's queen and who is a Goddess. That's me. I believe in me.

The problem is that I don't believe in anyone anymore. Hence, we're going back to my cynicism. I had a rough and tough upbringing. Everyone goes through it. I don't want it to justify my actions but in some way, it does.

I didn't grow up being called a special snowflake or I wasn't called handsome or beautiful.

I never had the same opportunity to be loved like my light skinned, physically appealing classmates. My own mother doesn't find me beautiful. My dad reminds me everyday I'm ugly.

I was the kid who studied and understood each lesson because I loved being on top. I was a competitive kid that it got me into fights, pretty hard ones where people bleed and throw up. I also fought in debates and always won. I love winning because all my life people told me that I wasn't accepted, that I can't be THE BOSS because I'm unattractive or I've been called a whore who can't keep it in their pants but at the same time got called too ugly to be laid. Too ugly to make a man go nuts and become erect with me.

I got labeled a liar, a cheater (in tests), and a thief. But that didn't stop me. I wanted everyone to see me on screen winning everything because I never enjoyed life outside my future career as an artist and as an actor.

What I fear now is my heart. Both physically and figuratively. I have mitral valve prolapse. My heartbeat suddenly stops because a valve is malfunctioning. My heart is losing its care for the world because all it seemed to do was to make me feel less of a boss. Feel less of a queen, feel less of a goddess, feel less of a person.

It made me saw the injustice and I felt indignation. Why? Why me? Why is it always me that has to feel like this?

Until I remembered my advantage. I always say "No". Two powerful letters. I have the power, I have the choice to lead and be on top. No one will stop me.

I can't promise you that I won't try and kill myself again because sometimes my head gets the best of me to the point that the adrenaline it gives me automatically switches my survival instinct on. But I'll promise that I'll try not to be a victim. I'll be a fighter. A survivor of war.

Everyday is a war for me. My body can't handle what my brain is doing to it but right now, it's telling me everything will be alright. My brain is telling me that peace is attainable and loneliness can be good. That we can find solace in being alone because now, I am alone in my room typing this out on my phone before showing it to people I know who deserves an explanation on what's happening with me.

I'm listening to Kesha's Rainbow album by the way. It's a beautiful one, it's really good. Would not have scored an 81/100 on Metacritic if it was just an album full of sex crazed themes and stupid, repetitive, sounds.

Until next time, my diary. A diary that I hope everyone can read after I die because in here you'll know my pain when I was alive and the reason that lead me to see death as my paradise.

I love you even if there's only little love for me. I know what it feels like to be alone. We all feel alone.

With Love,
Versus