Once In A Lifetime One Shots

Diary Entry #4

I am not home in my own home.

Death is something that I love because it's what makes me love life.

I don't want to live in my house, my ideas, my expression, and my human core isn't welcome. How I wished I had different parents. How I wish I was out of this house and build a new one with myself.

I don't want to hope that a man would love me because in the end, loving myself is the key for survival. No man will ever find me appealing to the point they would want to spend the rest of their life with me as their lover, companion, best friend, consultant, boss, and significant other.

I won't get the prince or the king. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm just facing the negatives so I could build my positives.

Fuck the catholic church and their followers that are submissive and mindless. I am a foreigner in the Philippines. I don't want to be here and I am doing my very best to kick this place out of my life. They only harm me, no matter how much I love the people around me, I am not welcome for I am gay, fat, and dominant.

I am longing for death as I listen to Ribs by Lorde. I love life, I just can't wait to finish my mission in this world so I could die and move on to another plane where I will find my home because as much as I love and admire Earth through its beauty and flaws, Earth will never be my home. Earth is slowly taking away the identity of people and I am not giving Earth mine.

I am unconquerable as a single organism. I will not yield. As much as I hope for a KJ or whoever will love me, they wouldn't save Vermon Ines Santiago, I am but a worthless dirt to their perception. I will not be defeated, I will find my way out of this life that became complex as I learned the truth of how the world runs. The worst thing is, I can't do anything to help it because the world doesn't want me to.

Please kill me. Maybe I should kill myself? Not out of sadness but of joy, as much as Art and Science is keeping me alive, if I cannot help the world using both of those vital things that keeps my heart beating, what is my worth? To be a lover? To be a mother? To be a teacher? No, I am built for better things.