Once In A Lifetime One Shots

Diary Entry #1

This is Vermon Santiago, 18 years old, biologically male, loves male. Gay in layman's term.

This April 11, 2017, exactly thirty minutes earlier, I had my daily argument with my mom that always ends up in fights.

How I wished I wasn't born into the family I was born into for being my true self because writing and speaking in English while being outspoken, strong willed, and independent is considered a crime.

I hate my mother. Out of the two parents, it has always been my mother who I hated even when I was a kid. She always wanted me to "get better" because even if she says she's okay with me being gay, she still has some moments wherein she wants me to fuck a woman and be a husband. I will be a husband when I grow up but I won't have a wife.

I never envisioned myself having a woman as my romantic and unconditional partner for the sake that I just don't feel right living the rest of my life with a woman.

She tries to understand but she has difficulties bearing that idea of me dying with my loved one who is handsome, kind, humble, and an overall good person.

But that's not the main problem...No, it's fucking far from that.

MY MOM IS A FUCKING MANIPULATOR SO SHE COULD MAKE OTHER PEOPLE SHE HATES LOOK BAD. She graduated taking the course of Psychology so keep that in mind.

So my great aunt died. Bless her soul, died at 90, just recently. To be more exact, she died like 15 hours ago or something.

My mom is going to take my siblings to her funeral but not inviting me because her maternal family isn't on good terms with us, to be more specific, me. (We ended up in a fight and I reported them to the council, to which I won) Those people are terrible in a sense that they're as manipulative as my mom.

Manipulative in a sense wherein they would really spread rumors and steal legal deeds to your house while being total assholes. My mom grew up with said assholes and she can't understand why I want to go with her.

I am not a good person, I am not bad either but do I look like I give a fuck? NO FUCKS GIVEN HERE.

I was always a victim of extreme bullying and those family members of my mom are bullies. I feel the need to defend her because she would always come home and complain.

Imagine my surprise to her reaction when I told her that. She said my father and I were ganging up on her all the time by forcing her to forget about her family to which I am not denying her claims aside from her conclusion that I am working with my dad, I always work alone. The things they do to her and what they did to me were still echoing inside my brain. THEY ARE BULLIES-------------SCRATCH THAT....MOTHERFUCKERS.

My mom is making me look like the bad guy because she said that I always want to go out and exact revenge on the people who wronged me in a different way to which I don't see myself doing. She told me she knew me, I told her to shut up because the only one who knows me is myself, no one else.

She's always trying her best efforts to make me feel bad about myself and then she'll justify how it's holy week and Christ is mirrored into our days, fuck that. She's a fucking bitch. The thing is, she couldn't understand why I want to protect her, it's because it's pointless if she does go and she'll always complain how her family is bullying her, stuff like that, etc.

I AM SO DONE. I can't be who I am without her always interfering. I know I am a BITCH. I AM THE BOSS ASS BITCH THERE IS, HENCE I CALL MYSELF THE BOSS. But I'm not a bitch all the time, I just choose whenever I have to and today is the right time to be one.

She'll tell me that I'm a vindictive person and I'm scary or something between those lines. I know I am, where was she when I was growing up? She was always there.

The thing is, she was there but she isolated herself from the fact that I am never going to be that ideal person she wants me to be. Someone who will not raise hell when needed. The truth is, I am the most intense person there is, hence I am always feeling indignation because there is injustice around us and I won't sit here and masturbate all the time to men who couldn't even notice I exist just because they're handsome.

I'm thinking right now, I'm thinking that maybe I should try and kill myself again. I mean if I did then it's going to be my 110th time trying, hoping I won't fail but then i think of what made me stop.

I stopped because I didn't want to die and have people cry and pity me, I want to exit life like a true fucking BOSS and that's by claiming what I need and want to do. I want to be a LEGENDARY ARTIST, it sounds impossible but I know how it'll work.

I may seem like an airhead but I'm just stating what I do because I cannot bear the thought to lose my spot to a handsome yet pathetic man who doesn't know what art and pop is or to a woman who's only there just so she could be the center of attention. It sucks to know people don't want to see me as a Legendary Pop Star Artist when I have all the tools necessary.

That's what made me stop killing myself, just like in Lorde's song titled Green Light, I'm waiting for it, that Green light I want it. It means I'm waiting for my go signal and I know it's around the corner.

Today, I feel like a worthless fuck because my mom wants me to feel that but soon I'll leave home and help her and my dad along with my siblings to a better life and never return because I seriously cannot bear her, must be our different horoscopes because I'm a Scorpio and she's an Aries, both are ferocious.

But going back to the suicide part, I don't feel like it anymore. I don't want to be as pathetic as Hannah Baker from 13 Reasons Why who made a tape because she killed herself instead of facing her bullies and squeezing their balls and tits to submission and be the BOSS. She's pathetic and the show is romanticizing mental health issues which I hate because I didn't get that support because somehow, men don't have it per society's opinions.

I'm not a girl who is pretty, who is bullied, who is invisible, or neither one of those privileged white kids. I am not a boy who is handsome, athletic, and nerdy to which people would give a fuck if I killed myself. I ain't the type of gay who is out there to get pity from people and be "friends" with them, I am a BAD ASS BOSS who doesn't GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK AND DO THAT WILL AFFECT ME BECAUSE ONE THING IS SURE, these words I'm writing doesn't cover half of what I am in real life. Victor would be the only word that epitomizes me.

No characters here but me, this is all me. If I could put my signature just to prove I'm telling the truth.

End point is: I am never going to kill myself because I want fame, money, power, fortune, health, freedom, and love. I cannot attain it if I were to die. Some day, I have a feeling that I'll be reading this and my husband would probably laugh at this knowing I wrote such a transgressive essay that will be banned from a conservative place.

FUCK THAT, THIS AIN'T THE 20th Century. I do know who he is but I'm hoping it's him. Keneti James, I hope you're out there waiting for me because I am not going to kill myself KJ, I want to enjoy life with you while we spend the rest of our lives in bliss and solitude despite the world being miserable and violent. Soon To Be Husband, please wait for me.

Vermon Ines Santiago, famously known as VERSUS.