Katya POV
2 weeks of being 'just friends'. Hate was an understatement. I didn't think i'd ever have to know what this had felt like; you know, trying to be friends with an ex. But then i think, what the fuck? He isn't an ex, he's Brian! My Brian! Well... not my Brian. But he was my best friend before we were together- for 15 years! He isn't just any ex, he's special.
It was still fucking hard though. It was awkward and weird and everything felt wrong. When i had seen him, i wanted to kiss him but i couldn't. When i said goodbye, i wanted to hug him and kiss him. I guess i just always want to kiss him. I changed his name in my phone and everything.
It was real. We had really broken up. He was actually my ex.
brian - hi. when's your flight to Vegas?
Brian and I were both performing at a show in Vegas in 2 days. Before we had broken up we were going to book our flights together and leave together and join the mile high club.
me - tonight at 11. yours?
brian - of course it's the same as yours. shall i come to your apartment at 10ish so we can leave together?
me - sure :)
Okay, i can't be the only one feeling awkward texting him. Of course he does too! That makes it worse. The fact that he feels as weird and awkward as i do.
We could never ever ever ever ever ever go back to how it used to be. It's too hard. Much to hard to get to being best friends forever after 5 months of a relationship ending badly. I use the word 'badly' in a loose way. I mean, was it bad? Or was it for the best? It was most definitely for the best- we couldn't keep getting into arguments about a man. Chris couldn't ruin our relationship, and as long as Brian and Chris had their thing going on is as long as it will be until Brian and i reconcile. Although i do really wish it would be sooner rather than later.
We hadn't broken up for no reason. I couldn't put myself through that. It was hurting me so much, seeing him with Chris. It isn't even a trust issue- it was real. It wasn't a jealous in my head thing. It was fucking real. That only made it worse.
I wanted to be with him. I wanted to stay with him forever. I guess anything could happen now. He might find someone entirely new, not me or Chris. Maybe our stories aren't over, made we both have new people coming into life.
But I don't want a new person. Ugh. I want Brian. I need Brian. I can't have Brian.
I think all these things but quickly remember how i felt. I felt so broken, so much like second place. I would rather do anything then be in a relationship with Brian and feel second place to Chris.
My hand reaches for my chest. I kept my medallion on. It was still on. I look down at it in my hand and smiled. I bent my head down and lifted the chain over. I place it into a drawer next to me. I need to do this. I need to really feel like it was over. I didn't want to. I didn't want to at all. I closed the drawer, i closed my eyes.
As fucking if i has to do this. I had to break up with him because he was an idiot who couldn't make choices. I didn't want to leave him. He didn't want to leave me - yet we did! We ended it for no fricken reason. Fuck.
Chris. "Fuuuuuuuuuuckkkkk." I groan, slamming my head into my hands. Everything made me angry. I couldn't stop thinking about
it but when i did it would just make me angry and upset. I was never one to cry over a boy.
What am i saying?! A boy? It's Brian! Brian is my boy.
Well he's not, but you get my gist, right?
I really really really really hope it all works out. I can't take it anymore. I love him and i deserve to be happy with him. He sure as hell doesn't deserve it but it doesn't matter because after all these years of heart ache, i do.
brian - i've made a box of your things. you can come and get them whenever you can. i'm home all day today.
I know Brian better than i know the back of my hand. He wants me to go over there and he thinks i'll fall into his arms but i mean it when i say i am not going back to him until he understands his feelings and Chris and I.
me - it's okay. i don't think there anything important. i'll come by another time.
I will not do that to myself.
